Crank Series – otherwise known as Crap.

Okay. Crank sucked. Lets get that out of the way. But of course idiots (teenagers) loved the unrealistic pile of dog barf. Well, guess what – MORE DOG BARF ON THE WAY! Instead of watching these movies – try reading a goddamn book so you can make money and pay my social security in forty five years you jackoffs.

A sequel to Crank, titled Crank 2: High Voltage has been confirmed by the writers and directors Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine.[1] In Crank 2, Chelios will face a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered heart that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working.-Wikipedia

Uh huh.

Need I say much more? Dog barf, and dog shit. Yay.

Here’s the next films:

Crank 3: Steel Testicle. A Russian mobster steals Chev’s testicles and replaces them with steel testicles, and he must take a hit of testosterone to prevent man boobs and an effeminate emotional rush that brings him to tears as he remembers the movie Bambi.

Crank 4: Missing Brain. Chev’s brain is replaced with that of a monkey that likes to rape women and piss on people, while also throwing his own shit out windows. The movie is about him doing all of that until some cliche` detective with a gut figures out what happened and gets his brain back. He then kills the Canadian Mob boss who put a monkey brain in him, and finds out he has AIDS.

Crank 5: The Hangnail. Suffering from an alcoholic binge after finding out he has the HIV virus, Chev gets a hangnail. However, his clippers are poisoned with Ebola, and thus he contracts the deadly hemorrhagic fever. He must find who’s killed him before he is dead, while his body is eaten alive from the inside out by the virus, and he begins to bleed from every pour in his body. He finds the French mob boss, kills him, then vomits blood and passes out.

Crank 6: The Bladder. Chev’s bladder was then removed, after he miraculously survived the Ebola infection and defeated AIDS because of the Ebola infection – two totally unrelated diseases. However his bladder has been removed, and he must find the Floridian Mob Boss who stole it so that he doesn’t die of uric acid poisoning. However halfway through the movie he figures out he can have a pigs bladder instead – and thus being able to wee wee again he kills the Floridian, gets his bladder back, and has the two combined so that he can piss liquid alien blood acid. This film will win 12 academy awards because you’re all idiots.

Crank 7: The Black Knight. Chev wakes up with no arms or legs – and must hop around until he finds who took them, and get them back. At this point the writers were just as dumb as they could get, because in the end Chev looks like the terminator and Arnold sues. This film wins every award in every category.

Crank 8: Fucking die already. Chev is shot, stabbed, blown up, hit by a bus, mugged by a 91 year old lady, steps on a rusty nail, re-infected with AIDS, Ebola, Maurburg, and every other god damn disease on the planet, his liver, kidneys, bladder, intestines and one lung are removed along with his heart and eyeballs, and he still manages to win. I hate you all.

Go choke on popcorn.

By: Jackuul