When the paramedics arrived at his home he was not breathing, and even after been given CPR he couldn’t resist.
A cardiologist at UCLA confirmed Jackson died of cardiac arrest after arriving at the Los Angeles hospital in deep coma.

I think I’m being a little generous by calling that thing a “top”. It pretty much looks like Katie took a net and stretched and cut it a bit, which as you’ve probably already guessed, is one of the best decisions she’s ever made. It’s too bad she stopped the thought process when she did. I think we can all agree that she would’ve done humanity a great service if she would’ve burned that net into ash before putting it on, and also had sex with me for some reason.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Katie’s exemplary decision-making.

Holy fucking walrus penis, when did Anna Paquin become such a freakishly awesome sexbomb? Someone get me an audition for this show. Emmys will come raining down. Granted, the simulated sex scenes may only take up a total of 11 seconds, but I have already devised a solution to that. Prior to the simulated sex scene Anna and I will have actual sex beforehand. That way any excitement I would have had during the filming will be expended during coitus pre-scene. Yes, I am a genius, no I will not do your math homework. My eyes are too round to be that kind of genius.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Anna being my new hero.

Click to see the ridiculously NSFW video of Anna having some sex.

I’ve really got to get me one of these photographer gigs. These dudes seem like they’re always up to their testicles in naked female celebrities. I’ve been trying to get Fergie to take her top off since before Moses didn’t part the Red Sea. Then some jackoff turns on a camera and her bra kills someone on its way out of the window. What the hell, Fergie? It’s like you don’t even know I exist anymore. I show up at your house with a bouquet of roses and a bottle of astroglide and you call the police. That is not how you show your love, Duchess.

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Models from left to right: Eniko Mihalik, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Catherine M, Abby Lee, Daisy Lowe, Gracie C, Marloes Horst, Lily Cole, Ana Beatriz Barros, Miranda Kerr, Georgina Stojilkovic

This is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have ever seen. Long have I dreamed of a scenario where a bunch of supermodels are frolicking naked on a beach, and now it’s finally happened. I fucking love you Italy. I’m going to use your Mafia connections to buy you a golden gelato factory. As long as I get free gelato — that shit is delicious. Anywho, I can’t even begin to count how many orphaned newborns I would kill to be that photographer. Sure, all of the photographs would come out blurry because I’d be stabilizing the camera with one hand, but I’m pretty sure everyone will be fine with that after they realized how awesome my life was at that moment.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of this being the greatest thing ever. Also, see if you can spot the hypocrisy I highlighted in pic 6.

Click here to see the NSFW corresponding video. If you thought the pictures were awesome, wait until you see the moving pictures.

Meh. Do it again, Brooke, but with more nudity and less Jolly Green Giant syndrome.

Click to see Kendra Wilkinson work the pole like a professional.

According to my team of Weeble Wobble villagers intelligence officers, Megan Fox is currently engaging in an effort to conquer every country on the planet by simply showing up. It’s a known fact that nobody can resist her unnatural beauty, and whenever she enters a room everyone crumbles into bumbling idiots. No one is safe. That is why I volunteer to single-handily capture Megan Fox and lock the two of us into a secure room until scientists can devise a way to combat her hotness. To ensure our safety, and to lessen any chance of her escape, both of us will be naked at all times. It may get a little chilly in there, and I’ve heard that shared body heat between two individuals can help to stave off hypothermia — that is why physical contact between Megan and myself will be allowed, and possibly encouraged.

Click to see more pictures of Megan Fox’s London invasion.

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So it looks exactly like every other magazine pictorial she has done while wearing a bikini. I am massively disappointed. She better do a week’s worth of AOTS shows completely naked or I will be forced to retaliate. How, you ask? Let’s just say that it will involve a coldly calculated plot, and will not end with me getting arrested after accidentally taring and feathering myself. “I said to wait for 284 seconds, Carl! What the fuck is so hard about that? You made me look like an idiot — even with me wearing my fierce battle tutu.”

You already knew that Entourage is fucking terrible, right?

I’m not entirely sure why Christina Milian isn’t more famous than she already is. Based on what TV has taught me about Hollywood, fame is directly related to beauty, and Christina is clearly gorgeous, so she should be able to get a guided tour of the White House with no questions asked. In a related story, I just recently became a White House tour guide, possibly. I’m going to add some life to these tours by having a mandatory nudity policy, and sex in random rooms clause (See: Hot chicks only). I pitched this idea to the Secret Service, and recommended that I take the newly-arrived 18-year-old Brazilian maid Consuela up to the Lincoln bedroom to test it out. I’m pretty sure they thought I was a genius, but it was hard to hear their praise in between their kicking me in the head, which I assume they were doing to test my toughness.

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