People’s 100 Most Beautiful People

Well it’s that time of the year again. No, not time for you to go hide out in Mexico because you forgot to pay your taxes again (I’m in Tijuana, come visit!). People Magazine has unveiled its list of the 100 Most Photoshopped Beautiful People in the World. As your resident beautiful people expert it is my duty to provide insightful, mature, and thoughtful commentary on the 100 17 Most Beautiful People in the World (like I’m going to go buy the magazine to see that full list when Playboy’s right next to it).

1. Kate Hudson - she has the chest of a 12 year-old boy but other than that she is friggin’ gorgeous. Have you seen that ass?

2. Salma Hayek - there are two very big reasons why I think Hayek is great for this list, but for the life of me I can’t remember
what those TWO VERY BIG reasons are. Hmmm….

3. Mary J. Blige - I barely know who this is, and I’m not very impressed.

4. Rumer Willis - are you fucking serious? She looks like a potato. Just because her father is one of the greatest action stars ever and can kick the ass of every person who works at People that does not mean his…… huh? Bruce Willis is outside now? Well goddammit stall him! Fuck no I ain’t going out there, now find me my tunneling equipment!

5. Sarah Silverman - yea, she has a great body but from the neck up she looks like a Clydesdale. And I might be in the minority on this but I think she is terribly unfunny. OoOoOoOo, fart jokes ahahahaha….. innovative. When’s Chappelle’s Show coming back?

6. Christina Applegate - Al Bundy’s daughter is pretty decent looks wise with a pretty good rack. Plus, there’s a deleted scene in Anchorman where she is topless with just some suspender outfit on, which was awesome.

7. Eva Longoria & Tony Parker - is it really necessary to group them? I already know they are married and they are trying to present a strong bond of unity when Parker gets accused of nailing some random chick every week. Anyway, Longoria can look really hot when she wants to and has a fantastic ass.

8. Isla Fisher - stemming from my investigations of Wedding Crashers. Borat has found himself a hot little minx.

9. Amanda Beard - I would swim across the Nile during the wildebeest migration for a chance to go skinny-dipping with that.

10. The Gossip Girl Cast - what in the hell is the Gossip Girl?

11. Julianne Moore - my theory on redheads: they are either really hot or really ugly. Julianne Moore falls into the first option, and when you combine that hotness with her willingness to get naked….. oh sweet Jesus.

12. Jason Taylor - he plays for the Miami Dolphins, it’d be cruel to make fun of him at this point.

13. Vanessa Hudgens - she needs to take more nude pictures because I didn’t get a good look at that, wait, how old is she again? What? Chris Hansen is here?! And Dateline NBC?! Awww, shit.

14. Taylor Swift - I have to admit. I literally have no knowledge of this person, but from what I’ve seen she is pretty doable.

15. Zoe Zaldaña - She was hot in the Pirates movies, and she continues to be in the non-movie world.

16. Jessica Alba & Cash Warren - that son of a bitch knocked up one of the hottest chicks on the planet. No one would even know who this bastard was if his penis wasn’t working overtime. He better hope my Moon Death Ray never gets patent approval. Anyway, Jessica Alba is still hotter than holy hell and now she has pregnant boobs syndrome = awesome.

17. Carrie Underwood - ……………………………… sorry, passed out from blood loss to the brain. Carried Underwood is absolutely fucking gorgeous. If I ran People Magazine (what crap job that must be) Carried would be on the cover, and perhaps the only person on the list. It is my opinion that the only ladies who can compete with her hotness is the Victoria’s Secret Models and/or Gisele Bundchen, and having to compete with them is just not fair. Now you should know that this is just my present opinion on lady-hotness and it may change tomorrow, but lately I’ve been on a Carried Underwood fix – A+

And done.

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