I’ve really got to get me one of these photographer gigs. These dudes seem like they’re always up to their testicles in naked female celebrities. I’ve been trying to get Fergie to take her top off since before Moses didn’t part the Red Sea. Then some jackoff turns on a camera and her bra kills someone on its way out of the window. What the hell, Fergie? It’s like you don’t even know I exist anymore. I show up at your house with a bouquet of roses and a bottle of astroglide and you call the police. That is not how you show your love, Duchess.

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