Apparently, things in Heather Locklear’s world aren’t all golden rays of cherry sunshine like she said they were a few months ago.  People reports:

“Around 4:30 p.m., a female witness saw Heather Locklear driving erratically while leaving a parking lot in Montecito,” California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Marshall tells PEOPLE. “The witness said Locklear was revving her engine loudly, and backed over a pair of sunglasses several times.”
“Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer’s observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of prescription medication,” Marshall added.
Locklear was arrested on suspicion of DUI and being under the influence of a controlled substance. She booked at a local jail around 7 p.m., and released hours later.

Is there a street curfew in Hollywood for little children?  I have to imagine their chances of being punted into the Pacific Ocean by a Bentley are quite high considering that every actor in that town functions with their brain half in the bag.

And by criminal masterminds, I mean they are the exact opposite of Carlo Gambino.  People reports:

Actor Ryan O’Neal and his son, Redmond, were arrested Wednesday at the actor’s Malibu, Calif., home for alleged drug possession, a sheriff’s spokesman confirms.

“This morning, deputies were doing a routine sweep to make sure Redmond was adhering to his probation,” sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said. “Upon searching the premises, the younger O’Neal was found in possession of narcotics. Later, a vial of drugs were found in the elder O’Neal’s bedroom. We believe the drugs found were methamphetamines.”

Both Ryan, 67, and Redmond, 23, were held at a local sheriff’s station before both posted $10,000 bail each and were released from custody around noon.

Eh, whatever, they were arrested in California.  By the end of this thing there should be golden statues installed in front of California’s Supreme Court honoring the brave sacrifices the O’Neals made in their ordeal with “law enforcement.”

Tater Salad was arrested by Vero Beach, FL authorities yesterday for possession of marijuana.  The evidence was subsequently smoked lost.  TMZ reports:

Vero Beach FL cops took the funnyman into custody for possession of marijuana, under 20 grams. He was also booked on possession of drug paraphernalia.

He was released after posting a $1,000 bond

Good thing our nation’s law enforcement is spending our hard-earned tax dollars busting these vicious criminals.  7-Elevens will no longer have to live in fear of late-night munchie runs.

Okay, important questions first.  Who in the blue hell is MacKenzie Phillips?  You don’t know either?  Well, fuck it then.  Anyway, she was arrested at LAX after “the man” found some sort of extra-curricular substances on her person, or luggage, or something (I wasn’t paying attention); namely, heroin and cocaine, the life-blood of any party.  People reports:

“She was being screened by airport security when a small amount of what appeared to be heroin and cocaine were found on her person,” Sgt. Jim Holcomb said. “She was arrested at about 10 a.m. and is still in custody.”

He added: “The substances were found in balloons and baggies.”

Phillips was booked at the Van Nuys, Calif. jail, and bail was set at $10,000.

Do you think if I peanut-butter AND jelly on a celery stick it would still be good?  Because it’s good on bread, and peanut-butter by itself is good on celery, so it stands to reason that the two would be just as good on celery as they are on a PB&J sandwich.  I’m going to go test this theory out, stay tuned.

As you’ve probably already heard, Christian Bale was arrested and released after his mother and sister called the police on hm for assault.  Turns out he just yelled at them because his mom was being a bitch.  Daily Mail reports:

Batman star Christian Bale confronted his mother after she allegedly insulted his wife, MailOnline has learned.

However, a source close to the 34-year-old actor says Bale is confident he’s done nothing wrong, and blames his mother.

He is also said to have become depressed over the death of close friend and co-star Heath Ledger.

The source said: ‘Christian was stressed, but he didn’t lay a finger on anyone. Instead, he flew off the handle and cussed his mother. He just got very loud because his mother was saying some very outrageous things about him,  and his wife.’

‘Christian’s attitude is that this was his mother’s fault because she became very provocative in an argument they were having,’ the source said, adding: ‘Things got out of control and he now says he wishes he just left the room.

‘Normally Christian would just call a friend and go out to a pub to cool off. But he was literally trapped into this confrontation with his mother and sister because there was an army of fans and paparazzi outside.’

So instead of being able to enjoy The Dark Knight’s premiere this weekend, Christian was reminded that life is a cruel bitch because his friend and co-star (genius) Heath Ledger is dead, and then his bitchwhore of a mom and sister call the cops because he defended his wife from bitchiness.  Don’t be surprised if we learn that Batman has developed a drinking problem and Bruce Wayne has sold Wayne Enterprises.

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You may have heard/read that Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright were arrested in Shreveport, La last weekend after fisticuffs broke out in a bar.  New reports from the incident say the cops were major dicks.  Turns out noone is surprised.  TMZ:

The incident occurred during a wrap party for Oliver Stone’s movie “W” about the Prez. Local station KTBS reports and TMZ sources say Wright, who plays Colin Powell, was repeatedly tasered and pepper sprayed as he lay prone on his stomach in the street. We know witnesses heard the officers using extremely foul language, including the “N” word, directed at Wright.

Our sources say Brolin was observed by witnesses attempting to make peace and standing still as he was repeatedly sprayed in the eyes by cops.

The city attorney has not decided whether to file criminal charges against Brolin, Wright or the others for interfering with a police officer.

Ever wonder why people are leary of cops and perceive them as power-abusing asshats?  Well it’s because of incidents like this.  God forbid you simply put the man’s hands in cuffs after he’s already laying on the street, but then again you never know when he might bust out some voodoo.  I mean if his skin color isn’t exactly like yours it’s just wise to assume that he’s going to steal your soul and eat your heart so you best be charging up electric chair in a box.  Assholes.

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Andy decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings the other day and along with his chicken wings and tortilla chips, he had a side of molesting a 17 year old.  Smartest man ever?  No, not even close.  AP reports:

Police were called to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta at about 1:13 a.m. to investigate a report of “an intoxicated male” urinating outside the bar and causing a disturbance, according to a police statement.

When they arrived, a 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, “grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,” the statement said.

Friends escorted Dick to a truck, which officers stopped at a nearby Sam’s Club, police said.

Dick was identified by the teenager and a witness, police said.

Marijuana and the drug Xanax were found his pants pockets during a search and he appeared “extremely intoxicated,” police said.

Dick, 42, was booked at Southwest Detention Center in French Valley on suspicion of felony possession of a controlled substance, misdemeanor sexual battery and misdemeanor possession of marijuana.

So let’s iron this out here.  Andy Dick decided to get high off his ass, and if you’ve ever been high, you know food is a top priority.  So, got really high, decided to go get some chicken, so far so good.  Then in between running away from the spider leprechauns climbing out of the walls, Andy decided to try and hide in some teenager’s cleavage, and by hide I mean be a fucking piece of shit and start the rape process.  Jackass.

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First rule of being busted with the poor man’s cocaine: make up several reasons as to why you are currently blowing guys in random alleys for a little scratch. Luckily for Tatum “Who?” O’Neal, she is very experienced with rule number one. When the NYPD initially busted her for trying to buy crack cocaine early Monday morning she said she was researching a role, but now it’s all her dead dog’s fault, which seems reasonable. New York Post reports:

“I lost my Scottish terrier, Lena,” three weeks ago. “That seemed to set me off.

“She got old. She got cancer. She was the fabric of our family. We had to let her go to heaven. My daughter and I had to put her down. It was too horrible for words.

So, are we sure that being a crackwhore is Tatum’s only problem? She doesn’t have any mental imbalances that doctors should be aware of? One can only imagine what will happen if any of her family members die……. Tatum will be found in a back alley in Mumbai with needles used to tranquilize elephants sticking out of her arms, and Cracainemetherotasy flowing through her veins while Cory Haim fires sperm missiles at her face. Ouch.

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