Well, this is good news. For me. Because I can finally lay down my sweet moves. I totally have a legitimate chance at landing Bar Refaeli… Dammit. People:

On-again off-again couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli have called it quits once more, sources confirm to PEOPLE.
“They’re taking time off for the time being, they’ve split,” says a source. “It could just end up as a break but for now they’re doing their own thing.”
That much was certainly apparent over the weekend as the Israeli-born Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, 23, walked the red carpet at Hollywood Life’s 11th Annual Young Hollywood Awards solo, refusing to speak about DiCaprio, while the Titanic star, 34, hit the hotspot Avenue in New York City, where he was seen chatting with another woman.
“He was standing at the bar in front of everyone talking to a girl the entire night – and it wasn’t Bar,” says one onlooker. “It was in no way behavior for a guy who has a serious girlfriend.” (DiCaprio and Refaeli were then reportedly photographed together in Los Angeles on Monday night.)
According to a Refaeli source, the model’s desire to get serious may have caused the actor to have doubts about their relationship. “She wanted to move faster than he did, she wanted to move in together,” the source says, “so he broke it off.”

This is normally the time where I say I sympathize with my fellow man, but Leonardo DiCaprio can go fuck himself. That jackass has perhaps the greatest existence in the world: the best actor of his generation, obscenely rich, and women swoon over him and those women include the world’s hottest supermodels. What a dick. He throws supermodels to the side like they’re Lindt truffle wrappers while I’m stuck here with my battalion supply of Kleenex Sears Roebuck catalog models. Why’s he gotta do this to me? Flaunting his superiority all up over there and in my face. Well I am still a member of the common people, and if Bar Refaeli doesn’t want to support the common people by way of her vagina, then she is clearly a terrorist and should be imprisoned. In my bedroom. Naked. For all the sex torturing.

Earlier I said that Megan Fox is the hottest person alive, but after viewing these ridiculously awesome Bar Refaeli pics I may have to change my tune. My penis and I sat down and had a long talk about this conundrum, and we agreed that the only way to solve this definitively is for Megan, Bar, my penis, and myself to engage in vigorous talks in my bed. Somebody needs to notify the UN so they can get a resolution in the works. Also, someone needs to go firebomb Esquire headquarters for fucking up Bar Refaeli voluntarily getting naked. You aim the Hubble Telescope at that miracle of awesome, not write all over it. Douches.

And that’s really all you need to know.  I guess I could say how Bar Refaeli is ridiculously hot and shouldn’t be allowed to wear clothes — oh, and that Israel should use her as some sort of bargaining piece with Palestine.  See, United Nations?  Who’s the fuckin’ retarded jackass who will never be an ambassador, now? — but I’m in a really lazy mood right now, and it’s getting dark outside.  I have to prepare for…  um…  goddammit.  I really lost it there at the end.  I’ll try harder tomorrow.  Maybe.  Probably not.

Sports Illustrated gives us a video of Bar Refaeli explaining Bar Refaeli.  And just because SI is so awesome, there are plenty of video sequences of Bar jumping around in a bikini.

Sorry, conspiracy theorists, but the Large Hadron Collider won’t be destroying the Earth until at least September.  (Geekologie)

Brooklyn Decker in nothing but bodypaint.  Also known as, “Awesome.”  (Hollywood Tuna)

Michael Phelps lost two-thousand dollars playing beer pong, which is exactly the same thing that happened to me — except replace “two-thousand dollars” with “pants.”

Green Day’s new album is entitled, “21st Century Breakdown.”  I have a sneaking suspicion that they’re going to be going on about the crapfest that is currently the world.

Will Smith makes lots of money for movie studios.  (WWTDD)

Break Gallery, yay.  (Break)

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue rookies.  (COED)

Romantic movie lines are overrated.  (Liquid Generation)

Want a deep-fried cheeseburger?  No, you don’t, you fat pile of moo.  (Peppers & Smoke)

Bar Refaeli visits The Grenadines.  Wears very little clothins.  We all win.

David Letterman unveiled a giant billboard in NYC on The Late Show last night, which revealed Bar Refaeli as the newest SI Swimsuit cover model, and provided validation for me wanting to stowaway to Israel.  Ms. Refaeli is, of course, Leonardo DiCaprio’s current vaginal conquest, which, coincidentally, provides validation for my ongoing pursuit of a laser cannon affixed to the moon.

I’m assuming the Israeli Mossad sent Bar Refaeli to St. Tropez to distract every terrorist in the area while they put together an air-strike, but I could be wrong.  But, how do you explain the burning buildings that are just out of these pictures then, Mr. Scientist?  Huh?  Bar Refaeli is so hot they just burst into flame, you say?  Well that sounds absolutely true, and not made up at all.  After looking at these pictures, how can you possibly argue with that logic?

Photo: Egotastic, Hollywood Tuna

- Bluto -

Yesterday, I posted a story about the dark vortex of crap that is Carlos Mencia, and as you are probably still masturbating to may remember, I posted a picture of the exotic beauty known as Bar Refaeli instead of that tool shed Mencia. This got me to thinking that Bar Refaeli is really hot, and she would be a fantastic addition to the “Hot Chick” series. It also got me to thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis is the luckiest organ in the history of the world, and yes, this includes the Virgin Mary’s uterus. Just stop and think about it for a second, but fight the urge to reenact the music world of April 5, 1994. DiCaprio has stuck his penetration machine in Gisele Bundchen AND Bar Refaeli and could’ve had them naked any time he wanted to. Goddammit that man is lucky. I’m pretty sure that if I learned I had the privilege to have either or both Gisele and Bar naked any time I pleased my penis would go into convulsions and my head would explode.

So to recap;

Leonardo DiCaprio: rich, famous, greatest actor of our generation, and has bedded two of the hottest supermodels known to man.

Bluto: poor, infamous/outcast among his stuffed animals, whale inseminator/part-time writer on his obscure blog, and successfully bedded the club-footed retard at the senior prom. Who’s laughing now DiCaprio?

[View with PicLens]

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Photo: Sports Illustrated, Arena

- Bluto -