And she continues to remain completely useless and terribly uninteresting. But I guess this is better than her upcoming, non-nude Playboy pictorials will be. TMZ:

Heidi said although she exposed a lot of skin during the shoot, she still covered up the bull’s-eyes on her moneymakers. She also told us she’ll be featured on two covers — but no real nudity.

So Playboy may as well have given $500,000 to a dog that spins around in a circle and licks itself. It’s essentially the same thing.

[View with PicLens]

Well, this is good news. For me. Because I can finally lay down my sweet moves. I totally have a legitimate chance at landing Bar Refaeli… Dammit. People:

On-again off-again couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli have called it quits once more, sources confirm to PEOPLE.
“They’re taking time off for the time being, they’ve split,” says a source. “It could just end up as a break but for now they’re doing their own thing.”
That much was certainly apparent over the weekend as the Israeli-born Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, 23, walked the red carpet at Hollywood Life’s 11th Annual Young Hollywood Awards solo, refusing to speak about DiCaprio, while the Titanic star, 34, hit the hotspot Avenue in New York City, where he was seen chatting with another woman.
“He was standing at the bar in front of everyone talking to a girl the entire night – and it wasn’t Bar,” says one onlooker. “It was in no way behavior for a guy who has a serious girlfriend.” (DiCaprio and Refaeli were then reportedly photographed together in Los Angeles on Monday night.)
According to a Refaeli source, the model’s desire to get serious may have caused the actor to have doubts about their relationship. “She wanted to move faster than he did, she wanted to move in together,” the source says, “so he broke it off.”

This is normally the time where I say I sympathize with my fellow man, but Leonardo DiCaprio can go fuck himself. That jackass has perhaps the greatest existence in the world: the best actor of his generation, obscenely rich, and women swoon over him and those women include the world’s hottest supermodels. What a dick. He throws supermodels to the side like they’re Lindt truffle wrappers while I’m stuck here with my battalion supply of Kleenex Sears Roebuck catalog models. Why’s he gotta do this to me? Flaunting his superiority all up over there and in my face. Well I am still a member of the common people, and if Bar Refaeli doesn’t want to support the common people by way of her vagina, then she is clearly a terrorist and should be imprisoned. In my bedroom. Naked. For all the sex torturing.

Well then, this marks the first time in history that I have been jealous of a female porn star. To think, all this time I’ve been investing in romantic candles, nice clothes, fancy cars, rohypnol, and fine jewelry — when all I had to do was walk up to Ms. Brook and start licking her tits. Riley Steele should teach Human Sexuality 101. Naked.

NOTE: How ridiculously awesome is Kelly Brook’s body? Men have fought wars over less. If she ever starts walking around naked half the galaxy is fucked.

I had completely forgotten that Natalie Imbruglia existed, but I am pleased to see that she decided to storm back into my consciousness boobs first. And those are some tremendous boobs to lead a revolution with, or something. Australia is under the rule of an oppressive dictator, right? No? Well, let’s pretend it is. Game. Set. Match, fascism.

I’ve always thought that the official ambassador from the leprechaun kingdom was hot. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s tiny and has a wicked sexy body — that looks like it was built for getting evicted from your apartment sex — or if it’s because I secretly hope that if I adequately sex her she’ll give me her pot of gold, and show where in the blue fuck the end of the goddamn rainbow is. Either way, I think I’m going to come out on top in this one.

Well then. Megan Fox is still the hottest person alive. If you say different I will strike you in the testicles and/or ovaries. Except I will use my penis in my attempted ovary strike. It should be great fun. I’m pretty sure Megan would be up for it, as I can almost guarantee that she would be moisteningly impressed in my ability to run across the yard faster than that chipmunk over there. “That’s right, Carl! Your larger acorn pile don’t mean shit!”

Doesn’t Lily Allen seem like she’s just one big bundle of awesome? She’s already from the UK — the greatest place on earth, which someone should lend me some money to move to — and she doesn’t seem to have any qualms about nudity, which bodes well for my plan of lots and lots of sex. I should write military strategies.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Lily Allen being awesome.

Continuing to show the world what a resounding success her “career” is, Kristin Cavallasomething went to the beach with her friends the paparazzi. There they took some publicity photos not staged in any way photographs. I assume these completely legitimate photos are meant to hype her joining of The Hills, but for the life of me I can’t figure out how. Unless we are to assume that her boobs are discreetly referencing that crapfest of a show.

Vanessa Hudgens is easily the hottest lady chick from that crapfest known as High School Musical, and since that finally ended (it’s over, right?) I’m left wondering when Vanessa is going to shed her Disney corporate whore teeny-bop image.  I have a few suggestions as to how to go about this, and by a few, I mean one: sex tape.  Now, I know this sounds like a drastic measure, but I promise, Vanessa, I am a professional, and if at any time you feel uncomfortable I wont hesitate to get more grain alcohol love and tenderness.

And that’s really all you need to know.  I guess I could say how Bar Refaeli is ridiculously hot and shouldn’t be allowed to wear clothes — oh, and that Israel should use her as some sort of bargaining piece with Palestine.  See, United Nations?  Who’s the fuckin’ retarded jackass who will never be an ambassador, now? — but I’m in a really lazy mood right now, and it’s getting dark outside.  I have to prepare for…  um…  goddammit.  I really lost it there at the end.  I’ll try harder tomorrow.  Maybe.  Probably not.