I was going to post some pictures that were less sexy than these to provide some sort of counterpoint, but as it turns out, I would rather have my penis funneled by a decomposing hippopotamus than stick it in 2007-era Britney. Why couldn’t this have happened in 2001?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Britney Spears insanity.

Cheryl Tweedy is still hot.  (Popoholic)

Mila Kunis has good jeans — not to mention genes.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Hayden Panettiere flashes her boxer briefs.  It’s even less exciting than that sounds.  (IDLYITW)

Once again, Britney Spears is a MILF.  (The Superficial)

Now that Axl Rose is finally releasing Chinese Democracy, Dr. Pepper is still promising to give everyone in the States a free soda.  Of course they had to gay-up the process of getting said soda.  (Ultimate Guitar)

Vanessa Hudgens has learned her lesson from her naked pictures getting plastered all of the net.  (WWTDD)

Since the desert wasn’t hot enough, Christina Aguilera showed in in Abu Dhabi.  (Just Jared)

Break unleashes their biggest gallery ever.  (Break)

Oh look here, a Halloween themed Break Gallery.  (Break)

OK, as far as actual songs of quality music goes, Womanizer sounds like donkey anus, but I imagine it will be huge in the dance clubs were people don’t give a shit about music anyway.  I’m sure it’ll also be played to death on the nation’s shit ass pop radio stations.  So, it’s got legs for the dance clubs and the chorus is fairly catchy, but this song still steamrolls it like it does every pop song.

Apparently, in between sexing Britney Spears and taking care of her spawns, Kevin Federline decided to eat the entire tub of cookie dough.  The Sun laughs:

While his ex wife BRITNEY SPEARS has danced her way back into shape, I reckon porky Kev has piled on about 100 pounds.

Just making a few subtle changes could help Kevin back to his old weight.

Like swapping the Coke for Diet for instance.

“Like swapping the Coke for Diet for instance?”  Diet?  Why not, I don’t know, water?  Son of a bitch this story sucks.  Why did I even post it?  I knew I should’ve went with that essay on snail dung.

Apparently, it clearly states in the contract that I wrote to myself that I am not allowed to end a day’s postings on offensive or objectionable material, such as the post about Madonna being released from her tomb.  So, to make up for this failure in contractual obligations, here’s Keeley Hazell reenacting some famous photos/scenes of Madonna, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears, but this time with more boobies.  Hooray!

NOTE: The thumbnails contain NSFW images of topless boobies.

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Photo: Zoo

- Bluto -

Britney Spears needed a break from her gruelling schedule of lounging around Hollywood pools so she travelled on down to Cabo to, um, lounge around the pool.  For this first time in like two millenia, Britney actually looks halfway decent halfway naked.  When my eyeballs first told me that they could actually look at these pictures without fear of exploding ugliness I threatened to stab them with a spoon for such malicious lies, but it  turns out they weren’t lying.  Unlike that time they told me that, that lady lying in the bed next to me wasn’t the personification of a whale queef 17 beers ago.

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Photo: The Superficial

- Bluto -

Ahhhh!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  Someone call Gillette, quick!

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Photo: Egotastic

- Bluto -

Despite having a top-secret meeting behind CIA HQ to try and hash out who get to use their children as potted plants, Britney Spears and that one douche appear to be headed to a custody trial after they continued to fail at everything. People reports:

After a day of talks with a mediator, Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan told E!, “The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August … The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.”

Kaplan added that his client is seeking sole physical and legal custody of sons Preston, 2 1/2, and Jayden, 1 1/2, and wants Spears to continue her current visitation terms.

The singer has been spending three days a week with the boys and was recently granted overnight privileges.

“If the existing arrangement was acceptable to both parties … we wouldn’t have to go to trial,” Kaplan said. “But that didn’t happen.”

The trial, which is scheduled to begin Aug. 25, would result in a final custody ruling, which can remain in place for years – unless one parent successfully convinces the court to modify it.

Ok, I have a question for Hogzilla (and I guess all terrible mothers in general).  How the fuck can you suck so bad at something that is supposed to be instinct?  Seriously, when a woman becomes a mother they are supposed to have their maternity mode kick in and basically kick ass at doing the hardest job in the world, but then you have Britney who can barely tie her shoe.  What the shit is that, nature?

- Bluto -

In what the psychology community is calling the greatest gathering of insanity since the last Christian retreat, Mel Gibson and Britney Spears had a little rendezvous at a cigar store to discuss things, like those sneaky Jews for instance.  People reports:

For more than two-and-a-half hours, the singer, 26, and the actor-filmmaker, 52, met in what was confirmed to PEOPLE as a more of an ongoing guidance session than a business pow-wow.

For their rendezvous at the members-only Havana Club, both showed up separately shortly before 7 p.m., well into the third game of the NBA finals between the L.A. Lakers and the Boston Celtics, which was playing at the bar. As for the smoking and watering hole itself, habitués include Ben Affleck, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Danny DeVito.

“Britney looked like a doll with bright red lipstick,” added the photog, who described her as “very quiet” and “with a serious look on her face as she walked in to the Havana Club.”

By contrast, an upbeat Gibson left his silver Lexus with the valet and walked in holding what was described as a “man-purse” up to his face and a look of “okay, you got me” as paparazzi snapped his picture.

Around 9:30, Spears left the club for home, while Gibson hung around until about 11.

Ok, someone hide the children, especially the large-nosed ones with a lot of lunch money in their pockets.  I’m not sure what William Wallace’s plan is here but he better be careful.  If the Queen finds out he’s been consorting with a foe as dangerous as the Dragonbeast of the West she’ll have him drawn and quartered, again.

In other news, there has been sweet thunderstorms here all day.  But sadly, no tornadoes.  Tornadoes are awesome as long as they  don’t decide to be a dick and throw my apartment across the freeway.  I should go put my car in the garage in case it hails.  But it is raining outside.  Hmmm….. Manuel!

- Bluto -

Las Vegas nightclub, Prive, is all liquored up and set to award Keven “What are My Other Kid’s Names” Federline their Father of the Year Award during a presentation at the club.  Luckily, this award is entirely made-up with no official anything so the Sun promised he won’t actually blow up for wasting all the hard work he does to provide us with energy.  People reports:

Just in time for Father’s Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his “father of the year” status at a party he is slated to host there June 13.

Sources tell PEOPLE he will be awarded the title during a presentation at the club.

It should be noted that the other nominees for Prive’s Father of the Year Award were a badger, John Wayne Gacy, and brine shrimp.  When asked for comment on their father’s award, Jayden and Sean were reported to have said, “Goddammit, will you shut the hell up and get the fuck out of the way!  This coal isn’t going to mine itself!  Now, go and see if the canary is still alive, and watch out for my sippy cup on your way out.”

- Bluto -