Jessica Alba and her son of a bitch husband welcomed a baby girl, Honor Marie Warren, late Saturday night in Los Angeles.  Us reports:

Honor Marie Warren was born Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Alba’s father was overheard saying “she’s beautiful.” Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday.

Alba, 26, and Warren, 28, announced they were expecting last December.

Honor?  Alright then.  Well, congratulations to Mrs. Alba and her healthy baby who will be the desire of every man on the planet in 18 years should Cash Warsonofabitchren’s seed hold up to Alba’s spectacular genes.  Congratulations are not in order for said son of a bitch as he is still responsible for taking away the carefree, more than likely wild as all hell in the sack Jessica Alba, and transforming her into the calm, motherly role she will now fulfill.  What a selfish asshole.  Luckily, he gets to look forward to chasing every man in the Union down the street with a shotgun in about two decades.

- Bluto -

….so says the dream in my head.  What could spurn such cruel and malicious thoughts you ask?  Well, mainly it’s People’s report that, that son of a bitch Cash Warren married Jessica Alba.  Why the hell didn’t Alba’s parents sit her down and talk about safe sex?  Why the hell did my Sperm Laser Uterus Defense 4000 fail?  Dammit:

The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.

According to a source, they were married in the Beverly Hills courthouse’s ceremony room under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds.

This is why only women and gay dudes should be allowed as on-set technician people when filming movies.  You see what happens when you let one of the world’s hottest women get within 6 feet of a straight douche of a director’s assistant?  Mercy fuck, then pregnancy, then “You better marry my daughter before I shove this shotgun up your ass” Dad speech.  You want proof that there is no God?  Well this is it, folks.  If there was a God Cash Warren would’ve been struck down by lightning faster than the priest had the alter boy lick his taint after Sunday service.

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Well it’s that time of the year again. No, not time for you to go hide out in Mexico because you forgot to pay your taxes again (I’m in Tijuana, come visit!). People Magazine has unveiled its list of the 100 Most Photoshopped Beautiful People in the World. As your resident beautiful people expert it is my duty to provide insightful, mature, and thoughtful commentary on the 100 17 Most Beautiful People in the World (like I’m going to go buy the magazine to see that full list when Playboy’s right next to it).

1. Kate Hudson - she has the chest of a 12 year-old boy but other than that she is friggin’ gorgeous. Have you seen that ass?

2. Salma Hayek - there are two very big reasons why I think Hayek is great for this list, but for the life of me I can’t remember
what those TWO VERY BIG reasons are. Hmmm….

3. Mary J. Blige - I barely know who this is, and I’m not very impressed.

4. Rumer Willis - are you fucking serious? She looks like a potato. Just because her father is one of the greatest action stars ever and can kick the ass of every person who works at People that does not mean his…… huh? Bruce Willis is outside now? Well goddammit stall him! Fuck no I ain’t going out there, now find me my tunneling equipment!

5. Sarah Silverman - yea, she has a great body but from the neck up she looks like a Clydesdale. And I might be in the minority on this but I think she is terribly unfunny. OoOoOoOo, fart jokes ahahahaha….. innovative. When’s Chappelle’s Show coming back?

6. Christina Applegate - Al Bundy’s daughter is pretty decent looks wise with a pretty good rack. Plus, there’s a deleted scene in Anchorman where she is topless with just some suspender outfit on, which was awesome.

7. Eva Longoria & Tony Parker - is it really necessary to group them? I already know they are married and they are trying to present a strong bond of unity when Parker gets accused of nailing some random chick every week. Anyway, Longoria can look really hot when she wants to and has a fantastic ass.

8. Isla Fisher - stemming from my investigations of Wedding Crashers. Borat has found himself a hot little minx.

9. Amanda Beard - I would swim across the Nile during the wildebeest migration for a chance to go skinny-dipping with that.

10. The Gossip Girl Cast - what in the hell is the Gossip Girl?

11. Julianne Moore - my theory on redheads: they are either really hot or really ugly. Julianne Moore falls into the first option, and when you combine that hotness with her willingness to get naked….. oh sweet Jesus.

12. Jason Taylor - he plays for the Miami Dolphins, it’d be cruel to make fun of him at this point.

13. Vanessa Hudgens - she needs to take more nude pictures because I didn’t get a good look at that, wait, how old is she again? What? Chris Hansen is here?! And Dateline NBC?! Awww, shit.

14. Taylor Swift - I have to admit. I literally have no knowledge of this person, but from what I’ve seen she is pretty doable.

15. Zoe Zaldaña - She was hot in the Pirates movies, and she continues to be in the non-movie world.

16. Jessica Alba & Cash Warren - that son of a bitch knocked up one of the hottest chicks on the planet. No one would even know who this bastard was if his penis wasn’t working overtime. He better hope my Moon Death Ray never gets patent approval. Anyway, Jessica Alba is still hotter than holy hell and now she has pregnant boobs syndrome = awesome.

17. Carrie Underwood - ……………………………… sorry, passed out from blood loss to the brain. Carried Underwood is absolutely fucking gorgeous. If I ran People Magazine (what crap job that must be) Carried would be on the cover, and perhaps the only person on the list. It is my opinion that the only ladies who can compete with her hotness is the Victoria’s Secret Models and/or Gisele Bundchen, and having to compete with them is just not fair. Now you should know that this is just my present opinion on lady-hotness and it may change tomorrow, but lately I’ve been on a Carried Underwood fix – A+

And done.

[View with PicLens]

Photo: People Magazine

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