According to my team of Weeble Wobble villagers intelligence officers, Megan Fox is currently engaging in an effort to conquer every country on the planet by simply showing up. It’s a known fact that nobody can resist her unnatural beauty, and whenever she enters a room everyone crumbles into bumbling idiots. No one is safe. That is why I volunteer to single-handily capture Megan Fox and lock the two of us into a secure room until scientists can devise a way to combat her hotness. To ensure our safety, and to lessen any chance of her escape, both of us will be naked at all times. It may get a little chilly in there, and I’ve heard that shared body heat between two individuals can help to stave off hypothermia — that is why physical contact between Megan and myself will be allowed, and possibly encouraged.

Click to see more pictures of Megan Fox’s London invasion.

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Boobs are fucking awesome.

Holy Jesus fucking Christ on a stick. Someone needs to marry this chick and then dump her so she has something new to obsess over. I volunteer under the stipulation that she is always naked. If, god forbid, she has to leave the bedroom she must wear a skin-tight dress with her boobs pushed up to her chin, for instance — oh, I added her GQ pics so you can fully appreciate my nudity clause:

So, just like in real life. Hot chicks come around and men turn into bumbling retards. How do you women not rule the world by now?

It’s good to see Jessica huffing and wheezing her way through the myriad of high class county fairs and down home chili cook-offs to reclaim her former glory of ridiculous sexiness. Granted, her boobs will always be amongst the best sets that Hollywood can dish out — and I’d still kill every newborn in Guatemala to have sex with that — but it’s just so much more awesome when Jessica’s rockin’ tits are accompanied by her rockin’ bod. For instance:

I had completely forgotten that Natalie Imbruglia existed, but I am pleased to see that she decided to storm back into my consciousness boobs first. And those are some tremendous boobs to lead a revolution with, or something. Australia is under the rule of an oppressive dictator, right? No? Well, let’s pretend it is. Game. Set. Match, fascism.

Heather Graham is easily the hottest hippie since hippies went extinct, and here her and her boobs are at “The Hangover” premiere to defend their title. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the premiere to officially award Heather her title. The asshole security detail said that because I wasn’t invited, and was naked, I wouldn’t be allowed entry. Then another one quickly quipped, “That’s what she said,” and pointed at me and laughed. I think he was referring to my status as a notorious lothario, but I feel as though he could have laughed less. Especially after he pushed me into the mud. I’m pretty sure Heather was impressed.

Katy Perry brought her boobs over to Complex, and they proceed to talk about them.  Surprising, right?  Anywho, since you people don’t care about words, and most of you can’t read, here’s Ms. Perry frolicking about in some suggestive attire.  And by “suggestive”, I mean she has really awesome tits.

NOTE: Head over to Egotastic to view still shots from the magazine.  Just in case you’re incapable of watching the moving pictures and masturbating at the same time. Safety first.

I don’t know much about Minka Kelly, but according to her boobs, she is perhaps the greatest person to ever exist.  Even that dog knows what’s going on.  Sure, you could say that dogs always look at humans’ faces whenever they move, but I don’t need your fancy fucking science gaying everything up.

I’m fairly certain I’ve said this before, but I fucking love the United Kingdom.  You have kick-ass football teams, Newcastle, the British invasion, and beautiful women who all seem to have huge tits.  Awesome.  Frickin’ awesome.  I’m going to buy all of a cake.