Top 5 Yankee Stadium Moments.  (Bush League)

In case you were wondering how to buy lingerie, Jayde Nicole is here to help.  (Spike)

Maxim was kind enough to throw together the Most Gratuitous Horror Movie Nude Scenes.  (Maxim)

Further proof that Rich People are dicks.  Unless of course I become rich, than we are cool.  (Cracked)

Jamie Lynne Spears‘ breast-feeding pictures have turned into a federal porn investigation.  Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-dun-dun.  (IDLYITW)

George Michael likes crack.  The police do not.  (The Superficial)

Doutzen Kroes, the newest Victoria’s Secret Angel, goes to to the beach.  You can now boil eggs of the coast of Miami.  (WWTDD)

Another Break Gallery.  Hooray.  (Break)

First rule of being busted with the poor man’s cocaine: make up several reasons as to why you are currently blowing guys in random alleys for a little scratch. Luckily for Tatum “Who?” O’Neal, she is very experienced with rule number one. When the NYPD initially busted her for trying to buy crack cocaine early Monday morning she said she was researching a role, but now it’s all her dead dog’s fault, which seems reasonable. New York Post reports:

“I lost my Scottish terrier, Lena,” three weeks ago. “That seemed to set me off.

“She got old. She got cancer. She was the fabric of our family. We had to let her go to heaven. My daughter and I had to put her down. It was too horrible for words.

So, are we sure that being a crackwhore is Tatum’s only problem? She doesn’t have any mental imbalances that doctors should be aware of? One can only imagine what will happen if any of her family members die……. Tatum will be found in a back alley in Mumbai with needles used to tranquilize elephants sticking out of her arms, and Cracainemetherotasy flowing through her veins while Cory Haim fires sperm missiles at her face. Ouch.

- Bluto -

Amy Winehouse will not faces charges stemming from a video showing the drug filtration plant allegedly smoking crack, snorting cocaine, and powdered ecstasy.  Obviously, Amy Winehouse’s interrogations at the Metropolitan Police HQ involve her locking her ankles behind her ears while Sir Ian Blair “questions” her with his penis.  The Sun reports:

SINGER Amy Winehouse will not face charges over The Sun’s video that showed her smoking crack, a spokesman for the diva said today.

“Police have confirmed that no action will be taken against Amy Winehouse in relation to an investigation into a video handed to them in January,” the spokesman said.

“She was questioned by police last week and released on unconditional bail. They have now concluded their inquiries and no charges will be brought.

Wow.  I NEVER would’ve guessed that a celebrity would get away with ingesting drugs.  I’m pretty sure this is the first time this has ever happened.  A precedent has been set my friends.  No longer will you have to suffer through watching celebrities being thrown in with the general prison population, and having to protect their anus during “alone time” in the shower.  Now our glorious saviors of entertainment will be given special treatment.  They will have their own cells, shower by themselves, and only serve a few hours out of a 6-month sentence.

Speaking of saviors of entertainment, someone with boobs told me that the Sex and the City movie had its London premiere the other day.  Say what?  I thought they were going to classify that as an act of torture?  That show was relentlessly stupid enough on its own, and they think the can stretch that garbage out into two and a half hours and not risk a revolution?  Combine that with the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like the love-child of the Wicked Witch of the West and digested bratwurst and you have a situation that can spawn a thousand Che Guevara’s overnight.

- Bluto -

It seems as though Amy Winehouse’s imprisoned hubby Blake something-something is none too happy about his drug queen whoring it up (“Heidi Klum naked, Heidi Klum naked, Heidi Klum naked”) and is demanding a £3 million divorce payout, which breaks down to £250,000 for every month they were married, including the months Blake has spent protecting his bunghole from pillaging, The Sun says:

SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE’s jailbird husband is demanding a £3million divorce payout as he rages over being dumped. Junkie BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL, 25, has told his lawyers he wants £250,000 for every month of their year’s marriage, despite being behind bars for part of it. And he fumed to pals after being ditched by the 24-year-old Back to Black singer: “She wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for me.”

Well isn’t that special. A marriage built on a foundation of crack has fallen apart. Who would’ve guessed? I mean, who could’ve predicted that a junkie would mount other men while in a drug haze when her significant other is calculating how many packs of cigarettes he will have to smuggle in his anus to avoid “special time” with Radiator Hose Bob? I think this is how fairy tales are made.

I was going to post a picture of present-day Amy but it turns out that having to look at a picture of that, plus having to envision a naked, cracked-out Amy Winehouse getting plowed was outlawed by the Geneva Convention. So, by law, I had to post a picture of when Amy was still fairly doable.

Photo: The Best Gossip

- Bluto -