When the paramedics arrived at his home he was not breathing, and even after been given CPR he couldn’t resist.
A cardiologist at UCLA confirmed Jackson died of cardiac arrest after arriving at the Los Angeles hospital in deep coma.

As I stated in my initial posting of this story, David Carradine was probably having a swell time with some teenage Thai prostitutes before going off to that big bamboo patch in the sky. TMZ reports:

Now we know why David Carradine’s family thinks foul play may have been involved in the actors death — his manager tells us Carradine was found with his hands tied behind his back.
Thai police are now recognizing David’s death may not have been a suicide, by saying, “It is unclear whether he committed suicide or not or [whether] he died of suffocation or heart failure.” Police say he could have died from an “accidental suffocation.”

This is why you have to go for the older prostitutes. The young ones have small hands that just can’t manipulate our complicated whacking off knots. So I’m told.

God-motherfucking-dammit.  AP reports:

Paul Newman, the Academy-Award winning superstar who personified cool as an activist, race car driver, popcorn impresario and the anti-hero of such films as “Hud,” “Cool Hand Luke” and “The Color of Money,” has died. He was 83.

Newman died Friday after a long battle with cancer at his farmhouse near Westport, publicist Jeff Sanderson said. He was surrounded by his family and close friends.

Fuck you cancer.  Fuck you right in the eyes.  My condolences go out to Paul’s family.  Mr. Newman, rest in peace, you were the coolest motherfucker Hollywood will ever see.

Fuck.  Reuters:

Pink Floyd keyboard player and founding member Richard Wright died on Monday after a short battle with cancer, his spokesman said. He was 65.

Wright, singer, songwriter and guitarist Syd Barrett, guitarist Roger Waters and drummer Nick Mason founded the band that became Pink Floyd in the 1960s when they were students. Pink Floyd went on to become one of the biggest names in rock.

“The family of Richard Wright, founder member of Pink Floyd, announce with great sadness, that Richard died today after a short struggle with cancer,” his spokesman said in a statement.

“The family have asked that their privacy is respected at this difficult time.”

God-motherfucking-dammit, there goes any chance I had of seeing one of the greatest rock bands to ever exist.  Coincidentally, I’m listening to The Wall’s “Nobody’s Home” right now.  Fuck you death.  Fuck you right in the anus.

Since it failed to kill Morgan Freeman, that mother fucking asshole Death, decided to kill Bernie Mac instead.  AP reports:

Bernie Mac, the actor and comedian who teamed up in the casino heist caper “Ocean’s Eleven” and gained a prestigious Peabody Award for his sitcom “The Bernie Mac Show,” died Saturday at age 50.

“Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital,” his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles.

The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body’s organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.

Well isn’t that just a straight kick to the testicles.  Anybody else get the feeling that death is such an asshole because every time he tried to play around with a chick’s boobies in high school she ended up stiffer than he was?  Goddammit, now who’s going to be the smooth-talking dealer in Ocean’s 14?

RIP Bernie.

Although Freeman, 71, did sustain injuries they are not life threatening in any way.  In fact, when they heal, they might be life enhancing, as he may have super powers.  In fact his only major injury, the broken arm and elbow, came from doing a pile driver on top of Death’s groin, effectively breaking Death’s pelvis.  He hit Death, and the ground so hard, witnesses have said that there is a twenty foot crater in the ground, and some tattered shreds of black cloth.

Even after breaking his own arm while beating the shit out of Death he didn’t give a damn.  He used his other fist and arm to break both of Death’s orbital socket bones, and cracked Death’s skull.  He left the scene later to go to the hospital, and tell the doctor’s to fix him up.

Reports of Morgan Freeman demanding a rematch against Death have yet to be confirmed – however it is unlikely that Death will respond as he is still in a coma.

Authorities have speculated that Freeman may have fallen asleep at the wheel, and have proven that he was not intoxicated, nor were any other vehicles involved.  However, we here at Braincell have developed our own theory.  Death showed up in his back passenger seat, bugging him and his lady friend who was also in the vehicle about “The Bucket List” and boring him to near death on “what should have happened”.  To escape the icy deadliness of the boredom, he heroically swerved his car, causing it to roll several times as planned – tossing Death out and toward somewhere else – but before death went careening into a tree he disabled the air bags in the 1997 vehicle.  Although gravely injured, Freeman stepped out of the vehicle, and then beat Death with a set of gold clubs before collapsing, and is likely to make a full recovery.

Death, however, may be in a coma for several weeks, while his cousin ‘Ironic Death’ will be taking his place.

In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has asked for immunity for some unknown reason regarding Heath Ledger’s death.  No, really.  All the prescription drugs were legally obtained, however authorities, in an apparent bungle of idiocy, have no idea where the late and great Heath ledger got the ‘Rush Limbaugh Special’ (OxyCotin) which was also found in his system.  However, for some bat-shit reason, Olsen will not talk to authorities without immunity – her bodyguard arrived before the paramedics if you remember, and the masseuse that found Ledger was also hers, and there may be a connection to some of the medications to her – apparently/maybe/she won’t say without immunity.

We’re calling bullshit – you talk regardless of immunity.

Ashly Olsen (the not totally bat-shit insane one) was last seen with Lance Armstrong, and then some other dude, while probably attempting to get further away from the stigma of being related to Mary Kate.  Of course, it remains to be seen which one will prevail.

Legendary comedian George Carlin, died of heart failure in a Los Angeles hospital on Sunday.  Carlin was admitted to the hospital early Sunday afternoon after experiencing chest pains.  Reuters reports:

Comedian George Carlin, a counter-culture hero famed for his routines about drugs and dirty words, died of heart failure at a Los Angeles-area hospital on Sunday, a spokesman said. He was 71.

Carlin, who had a history of heart and drug-dependency problems, died at Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica about 6 p.m. PDT (9 p.m. EDT) after being admitted earlier in the afternoon for chest pains, spokesman Jeff Abraham told Reuters.

Known for his edgy, provocative material, Carlin achieved status as an anti-Establishment icon in the 1970s with stand-up bits full of drug references and a routine called “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television.” A regulatory battle over a radio broadcast of the routine ultimately reached the U.S. Supreme Court.

Mother fucker.  What the shit is up with that Angel of Death?  I’m really starting to get sick of you taking people from Hollywood who don’t make me want to drive a tank into a convent.  What?  You couldn’t find Paris Hilton’s house?  Couldn’t quite bust through the force field of douche surrounding Spencer Pratt?  You were distracted by Heidi Montag’s $100,000 chest weren’t you, you son of a bitch?  Fucking jackass.  Seriously, you take Paul Newman away from us and I’ll shoot you out of a fucking cannon.

Cheers, George.

- Bluto -

Respected director/actor/producer Sydney Pollack died at his home in Los Angeles after succumbing to a 10-month battle with cancer. Reuters:

Hollywood filmmaker Sydney Pollack, who won a pair of Academy Awards for the epic romance “Out of Africa” and earned praise for acting stints in films including “Tootsie” and “Michael Clayton,” died on Monday after a battle with cancer, his spokeswoman said. He was 73.

During a varied career spanning almost half a century, Pollack directed such stars as Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford in “The Way We Were,” Tom Cruise in “The Firm” and Dustin Hoffman in “Tootsie.” Redford starred in seven of his films, including “Out of Africa,” alongside Meryl Streep.

Pollack died at his home in the coastal Los Angeles suburb of Pacific Palisades at about 5 p.m. local time. He was diagnosed with cancer about 10 months ago, but doctors were never able to determine the primary source of the disease, said spokeswoman Leslee Dart.

So once again fate decided to be a giant asshole and take someone in Hollywood that actually matters. You know who should get hit by a bus right now could’ve gone on fate’s field trip instead? Paris Hilton, Spencer Pratt, and Denise Richards. Granted, the three of them are worth about as much as Mr. Pollack’s toe talent-wise, but they still would’ve made a suitable substitution. Fuck you fate.*

*By reading the following, Fate has agreed not to come to Bluto’s house at 2 in the morning and scare the bejesus out of him before striking down his mortal life, and then taking him on a 7-hour, boobless car ride to the netherworld.

- Bluto -

Ryan Schallenberger, the teenager nobody some are calling the greatest criminal mastermind of our time, set his goals really high in his foiled plan to bomb his South Carolina high school. The insane troubled teenager hoped he would be killed so that he could go to Heaven and kill Jesus H. Christ. He may not have thought this all the way through. CNN says:

A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday.

Prosecutors argued in a federal courtroom that the statements are an indication that 18-year-old Ryan Schallenberger needs a psychological evaluation.

The straight-A Chesterfield High School senior was arrested April 19 and faces several state and federal charges, including attempting to use a weapon of mass destruction. That charge carries a possible life sentence if he is convicted.

“His conduct is bizarre,” prosecutor Buddy Bethea told Judge Thomas Rogers III, who did not immediately issue a ruling. “I think it screams out in his conduct that he be evaluated.”

How was that kid not taken over the world already? Oh, right, he’s a goddamn moron. Say he cross all his T’s and dotted all his I’s and was able to succeed in his cracked idea. You think you can just waltz into Heaven and kick Jesus in the nut satchel? I mean come on, first you have to ummm…… let’s see here…… how does that bull shit go again…… Ok, I must admit that I have not read The Bible in…. ever, so give me a few minutes while I go find someone who believes in that hocus pocus. While I do that you can keep your hand yourself occupied with Marisa Miller:

And we’re back. So even if this whorebag did succeed in getting to the cloud kingdom he would’ve had to of gotten past the gatekeeper who is some dude named Peter. You think the gatekeeper (who would undoubtedly be badass if movies have taught us anything about gatekeepers – “I fart in your general direction”) is just going to let you stroll into Heaven all pimp-like if you go up there and say you’re there to step on that bastard-child’s head? Even if you got by him you’d have to fight through angels, archangels, and perhaps even that asshole God would come down and give you what for. Not to mention you’d still have to overcome that tricky obstacle known as death. Ya know, the one where you die and your organs are removed and you are buried/cremated and you sit in a box for decades until the worms finish taking you back to the Earth and how there’s no such thing as souls and heaven and hell and whatnot and how I should end this run-on sentence. If someone can get by all of that I think it’s safe to say that we will all be fucked and we should get to banging our hot next-door neighbor.

Photo: MSNBC, Sports Illustrated

- Bluto -