Here is the first picture of the swamp beast woman Mutt Lange decided to punish his penis with, and coincidentally, she is standing right next to Shania Twain.  Mutt Lange is a fucking moron.  People:

As Shania Twain copes with her sudden split with the support of family and friends in her native Canada, sources close to the singer say she is reeling from a double betrayal – not only by her husband of 14 years, music producer Robert “Mutt” Lange, but by a woman she considered a close friend.

Lange’s relationship with Marie-Anne Thiébaud, 37, a longtime secretary and house manager at Twain and Lange’s estate in Switzerland, was behind the breakup, say several sources familiar with the situation.

“Mutt and Marie-Anne left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship,” says one source, adding that the Swiss employee was a fixture in the household Twain, 42, and Lange, 59, shared with their son, 6-year-old Eja D’Angelo.

There is no doubt in my mind that Mutt Lange’s penis has pulled two hamstrings in his stretch to strangle Lange in his sleep.  I can’t find any logical reason as to why someone would willingly risk losing having sex with Shania Twain for an abominal creature, which was banned to the deepest caves by the Knights of the Round Table in the years of old.  So here’s is what I think the reasoning would be, and based on the research I absolutely did not do, this is 100% factual.  Mutt Lange is a disgraced knight who was ordered to brave the terrors of Marie-Anne Thiébaud as punishment for going against the Code of Chivalry.  His fair (absolutely gorgeous) maiden, Shania Twain, is now free to roam the village in nothing but a loincloth.  Allow me to be the first to say that the Knights of the Round Table are goddamn geniuses.

The end.

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According to People, Mutt Lange decided to throw his hat in the ring for “World’s Dumbest Fucking Person Alive” by bending his secretary over her desk while he was still married to one of the hottest women ever, who presumably would sit at home in a tub of strawberries naked, waiting for her retarded husband to come home. Fucking dumbass:

Reached by PEOPLE after the separation was announced in a statement, Lange called the split “an unfortunate thing.” He added, “It’s literally just a growing apart, that’s all.”

But sources close to the situation say a third party was involved: Marie-Anne Thiébaud, a longtime secretary and manager of the couple’s chateau in Switzerland. “Mutt and Marie-Anne left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship,” says one source.

Lange denies the claims. “It’s absolutely not the reason [for the separation],” the famously reclusive producer told PEOPLE when asked about the alleged affair. He also denied that he was in a romantic relationship with Thiébaud: “I’m not, no,” he said. “It’s not true.” (Thiébaud could not be reached for comment.)

Mutt Lange has officially lost all of the awesomeness credit he gained for producing AC/DC. How dumb must you be to cheat on Shania Twain? Here’s what I want to know; who is this minx he has been sexing on the side and how has her hotness not exploded the Earth by now? Because, according to my calculations, for a woman to be hot enough to make you actually cheat on Shania Twain her hotness must equate to the temperature at the Sun’s core, or something like that, I don’t know, my math isn’t fully worked out yet, but what I can tell you in between these commas is that the only way I’d cheat on Shania Twain is if I was threatened with “Penis Falling Off Disease” and the only way to cure it was to stick it in Megan Fox. Obviously, that disease is very serious and is in no way made up, and if plowing Megan Fox is the only cure, than plowing Megan Fox I will. I do it for the people, Viva la Resistance!

In a startling turn of events, it turns out that since Mutt Lange’s penis has Downs Syndrome Shania Twain is now free to bang whoever she damn well pleases…….. sweet Jesus…….. someone erect a statue of this man, now!

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In what appears to be my dreams played out in real life, People reports that the sexy as all hell, country superstar Shania Twain has split from Mutt Lange:

Shania Twain and her husband, producer Robert “Mutt” Lange, have split, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

“Shania Twain and her husband, music producer Robert ‘Mutt’ Lange, are separating after 14 years of marriage,” spokesman Jason Owen says in a statement. “This is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time.”

Twain, 42, and Lange, 59, married in 1993, just six months after meeting. They are parents to a 6-year-old son, Eja D’Angelo.

Now, normally I would go on about how the husband is an asshole for keeping such a hot female all to himself for so many years, and deserves every natural disaster known to man, but Mutt Lange produced AC?DC so he deserves a little sympathy.  I’m not saying that he deserves to have Shania Twain come running back to him through a field of daisies, naked, because she is incredibly attractive and one of the hottest MILFs out there (Faith Hill can suck it), and she should be running around on Europe’s topless/nude beaches during the day and stretching out in my bed during the night; good god would that be awesome.  Anyway, back to her unfortunate ex…… well I guess I don’t care about his misery as much as I thought I did, but here’s to hoping that Shania follows the many other women who get divorced after being married for many years and goes hog wild.  By this time tomorrow I hope to see pictures of Shania frolicking on a sun splashed, Italian beach with nothing but sand stuck to her.

Her boobs = enchanted fairy tale

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LIv Tyler has split from her husband of five years, Royston Langdon (who?). Us reports with the “BREAKING NEWS,” ha, Christiane Amanpour is laughing somewhere in the Middle East right now, in between dodging rockets:

Liv Tyler has split from husband Royston Langdon, her rep told Usmagazine.com.

“Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon have confirmed their separation,” their rep said.

“They remain good friends and devoted parents to their son Milo and are requesting that their family’s privacy be respected at this time,” the rep added.

The actress, 30, married the Arckid rocker, 36, in 2003.

Us had reported two weeks ago that the couple – who have a son, Milo, 3 – were talking divorce. Tyler’s rep had no comment at the time.

A source overheard the actress seeking advice from a lawyer on the phone.

“In the conversation, she complained about her husband being a ‘leach’ on her assets, and she said she got married too young,” the source told Us

Wow……. it’s almost impossible to accurately describe how much I do not care about this. The only way I’m writing commentary on this is if Aerosmith appears at my house and plays a free concert AND they have to provide free sex and drugs to go along with the rock & roll.

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It seems as though Amy Winehouse’s imprisoned hubby Blake something-something is none too happy about his drug queen whoring it up (“Heidi Klum naked, Heidi Klum naked, Heidi Klum naked”) and is demanding a £3 million divorce payout, which breaks down to £250,000 for every month they were married, including the months Blake has spent protecting his bunghole from pillaging, The Sun says:

SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE’s jailbird husband is demanding a £3million divorce payout as he rages over being dumped. Junkie BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL, 25, has told his lawyers he wants £250,000 for every month of their year’s marriage, despite being behind bars for part of it. And he fumed to pals after being ditched by the 24-year-old Back to Black singer: “She wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for me.”

Well isn’t that special. A marriage built on a foundation of crack has fallen apart. Who would’ve guessed? I mean, who could’ve predicted that a junkie would mount other men while in a drug haze when her significant other is calculating how many packs of cigarettes he will have to smuggle in his anus to avoid “special time” with Radiator Hose Bob? I think this is how fairy tales are made.

I was going to post a picture of present-day Amy but it turns out that having to look at a picture of that, plus having to envision a naked, cracked-out Amy Winehouse getting plowed was outlawed by the Geneva Convention. So, by law, I had to post a picture of when Amy was still fairly doable.

Photo: The Best Gossip

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