A year ago, Lindsay Lohan got plowed (by alcohol, not penis) and jumped into some dudes’ car to chase down her personal assistant.  Turns out, that wasn’t such a good idea.  People reports:

The actress was “angry and aggressive” and the men “felt surprise, shock, fear and panic at Lohan’s surprising and sudden act” of allegedly commandeering a car in which they happened to be sitting to chase her personal assistant through the streets of Santa Monica, according to the lawsuit.
The plaintiffs – Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro – are seeking unspecified damages in the case, filed in Superior Court in Santa Monica.
Lohan’s attorney, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ.com the lawsuit is “absurd.”
“These guys had the night of their lives, playing with the radio and leaving the vehicle at one point and getting back in,” he says.

Allow me to commend this story by saying, “Ahahahahahaha.”  I’m not just laughing at Lindsay for having the intelligence level that a cotton swab could defeat — those three dudes could not come off any more as giant, pussy, bitch, douchebags.  I mean seriously, a drunk, hot, big-titted celebrity gets in your car and you cry like Rosie O’Donnell after the buffet gets closed down.  We all know Lindsay automatically stripped off her clothes just from being in the presence of multiple penises, and you sit there and have the nerve to tell us you were traumatized. Bunch of fairies.

Apparently, things in Heather Locklear’s world aren’t all golden rays of cherry sunshine like she said they were a few months ago.  People reports:

“Around 4:30 p.m., a female witness saw Heather Locklear driving erratically while leaving a parking lot in Montecito,” California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Marshall tells PEOPLE. “The witness said Locklear was revving her engine loudly, and backed over a pair of sunglasses several times.”
“Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer’s observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of prescription medication,” Marshall added.
Locklear was arrested on suspicion of DUI and being under the influence of a controlled substance. She booked at a local jail around 7 p.m., and released hours later.

Is there a street curfew in Hollywood for little children?  I have to imagine their chances of being punted into the Pacific Ocean by a Bentley are quite high considering that every actor in that town functions with their brain half in the bag.

There once was a time when Shia Labeouf got friggin’ hammered and decided to go for a little drive.  As you can imagine, this turned out fine, as long as fine means your truck ending up on its roof.  So, of course Shia will be charged with a DUI, right?  No, not even close.  The AP reports:

There was “insufficient evidence” to charge LaBeouf with drunken driving, Los Angeles County District Attorney spokeswoman Jane Robison said Thursday. She said prosecutors are mulling charges against two other people involved in the July collision, but could not provide further details.

“Shia is most happy that he will not have to go to court,” said his attorney, Michael Norris.

LaBeouf was arrested July 27 after an early morning crash that injured his hand and sent him to a hospital for several days. Sheriff’s deputies said later that LaBeouf was not at fault in the accident, which occurred in West Hollywood.

Jesus Harold Christ, does anyone in Hollywood have to abide by the law, at all?  Sure, another driver was found to be at fault for the accident for running a red light, but Shia was seen in a bar earlier pounding drinks and later refused a breathalyzer test.  If I had done that shit I would still be in a gulag in northern Siberia hoping the Viktor the Anal Pillager is just a funny nickname for my new cellmate.

In news that is shocking to no one, the “law enforcement” of Los Angeles has declared that actor Shia LaBeouf was not at fault in an accident in which his truck ended up on its roof, even though he was bombed out of his mind.  AP reports:

Shia LaBeouf was not to blame for an early-morning car wreck in Los Angeles, authorities said Tuesday, pinning fault on the other driver for apparently running a red light.

Also Tuesday, a person close to production of the “Transformers” sequel said LaBeouf’s passenger in the accident was Isabel Lucas, the 23-year-old Australian who plays a supporting role. The person asked not to be named because he was not authorized to release the information.

Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says detectives have determined that the other driver, who has not been identified, ran the light and will also be cited. LaBeouf was booked for a misdemeanor DUI and underwent surgery for injuries to his left hand.

So remember kids, if you’re going to drink and drive, make sure you live in Los Angeles.  And just to make sure you get the best experience, have a dead hooker in your lap with a kilo of cocaine poured over her head.  That shit will put the police into hysterics.

- Bluto -

Richie Sambora was formally charged with “two misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of alcohol and driving with a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit.” Despite recommendations from arresting officers that Mr. Sambora be charged with child endangerment, he had two minors in the car including his 10-year-old daughter, prosecutors only charged the Bon Jovi guitarist with the two lesser misdemeanors. According to the AP:

“Sambora was sentenced to three years of informal probation, three months of first-offender alcohol awareness class and court fees. He also cannot have any measurable amount of drugs or alcohol in his system while driving during his probation.”

Well who didn’t see that coming? Seriously, that douche could’ve burned down an orphanage and killed a colony of Bald Eagles and he still would’ve been able to make it to his crappy band’s practice the same night. Now I’m not saying the law enforcement in L.A. is completely useless, I’m just saying that law enforcement in L.A. is about as effective as a needle and syringe in rehab; one of these days they’re going to catch the L.A. county prosecutor, Steve Cooley, blowing Alan Rosenberg behind the Kodak Theater. If I had been pulled over with two minors in the car and was completely hammered I would’ve been sent back to Africa to work in the Diamond Mines; and I’m not even black.

- Bluto -