So, there’s a magazine that has photos of naked supermodels and it’s called Photo magazine? Dammit. I am definitely on the wrong side of this post. This is why you need to work for these places rather than attempt to make fun of them. While I’m sitting here firing up my overindulged imagination, some jackass is sitting around with his dick in hand sorting through the real life mental image of Gisele Bundchen naked. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that Tom Brady is actually sexing this and not that terrorist photographer (check it, FBI)… Fuck you, Tom Brady. You asshole.

That son of a bitch.  People:

The New England Patriots quarterback and the Brazilian supermodel wed just before 6 p.m. at St. Monica’s church, less than a mile from the beach. Brady’s 1 ½ son, John Edward Thomas, was present at the wedding.
They followed the wedding with a small gathering at their Brentwood home.

OK, goddammit, the world’s ridiculously hot supermodels need to stop getting married.  How the hell do you expect to whisk you away to a tropical paradise if I have to get by the New England Patriots?  Huh?  Gisele is insanely rich and has already been to that tropical paradise?  Well, shit.  Somebody get my collection of midgets started on a spaceship.  We’ll see who traverses Gisele’s vulva after she’s been to the sunny beaches of Neptune.

Supermodels who wear see-through shirts, and allow their boobs to be unfettered underneath, is about the greatest thing ever.  Especially when that supermodel is the most successful one in existence, and has really nice boobs, as Gisele Bundchen clearly does.  Thank you, frigid New York air.

There were some photos out a while back showing Gisele in a photoshoot.  The big hoopla over the photos was that Gisele’s ass was on display and it was some dude’s job to rub oil on it without getting arrested.  Anyway, the official photos from the photoshoot have finally showed up in V Magazine, and as usual, Gisele looks fanfuckingtastic.  Also as usual, the magazine decided to be “artsy” and have Gisele employ a hand-bra for the “topless” photos, and by “artsy” I mean highly unprofessional and stupid.

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Photo: Hollywood Tuna

- Bluto -

Some time before I posted this story (sorry, our Research & Development department was horrible damaged in a beaker explosion) some dude bought this Gisele Bundchen photo taken by Michel Comte, and now the rest of the pictures from the photoshoot have made their way online thanks to those cuddly bastards at Egotastic.  And, this shouldn’t be surprising, Gisele looks breathtakingly gorgeous.  I mean she looks absolutely stunning.  I’m not sure if it’s because these are the first pictures that I can remember of her unobstructed boob, but wow.  Phenomenal.

NOTE: I was going to post this gallery in the NSFW Gallery but then I decided I was too lazy, and it’s also hard to make out the boobies in the thumbnails, so the brain-washed morons Christians shouldn’t mind either.

- Bluto -

Ah, Brazil.  What a country.  They got their super long rivers, ginormous plains, gargantuan cities, enough animals that can kill you to conquer France, and have had to live next to their unruly neighbor Colombia for decades.  Sure, Colombia throws some great parties sometimes, and has enough cocaine to kill a pod of Blue Whales, but you don’t really want to go over to their house when you have to be given a deep cavity search every time.  But you know what the best part about Brazil is?  They take all this in stride.  Not only do they take it in stride, they give back to the community.  And is there a better way to give back to the community than to keep breeding unimaginably hot supermodels year after year?  No there is not you idiot.  For example; Gisele Bundchen.  Gisele has been the hottest woman on the planet for like a decade, and her latest spread her in GQ only strengthens her dropkicks to the rest of the world’s supermodels, even if Marisa Miller is starting to learn how to bob and weave.  This got me thinking.  Tom Brady is the luckiest bastard on the planet.  He pretty much wins.  “Who was your last boyfriend Gisele?  Tom Brady?  Mother fucker.”  The only person that could come close to beating that son of a bitch is John Lennon.  And he’s a little preoccupied at the moment.  And Mark David Chapman is still an asshole.  Goddammit, crazy people piss me off.  What was I talking about again?  Oh, right.  Ladies and gentlemen, the “Boobs from Brazil.”

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Photo: Celebparasite

- Bluto -

Yesterday, I posted a story about the dark vortex of crap that is Carlos Mencia, and as you are probably still masturbating to may remember, I posted a picture of the exotic beauty known as Bar Refaeli instead of that tool shed Mencia. This got me to thinking that Bar Refaeli is really hot, and she would be a fantastic addition to the “Hot Chick” series. It also got me to thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis is the luckiest organ in the history of the world, and yes, this includes the Virgin Mary’s uterus. Just stop and think about it for a second, but fight the urge to reenact the music world of April 5, 1994. DiCaprio has stuck his penetration machine in Gisele Bundchen AND Bar Refaeli and could’ve had them naked any time he wanted to. Goddammit that man is lucky. I’m pretty sure that if I learned I had the privilege to have either or both Gisele and Bar naked any time I pleased my penis would go into convulsions and my head would explode.

So to recap;

Leonardo DiCaprio: rich, famous, greatest actor of our generation, and has bedded two of the hottest supermodels known to man.

Bluto: poor, infamous/outcast among his stuffed animals, whale inseminator/part-time writer on his obscure blog, and successfully bedded the club-footed retard at the senior prom. Who’s laughing now DiCaprio?

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Photo: Sports Illustrated, Arena

- Bluto -