Holy Jesus fucking Christ on a stick. Someone needs to marry this chick and then dump her so she has something new to obsess over. I volunteer under the stipulation that she is always naked. If, god forbid, she has to leave the bedroom she must wear a skin-tight dress with her boobs pushed up to her chin, for instance — oh, I added her GQ pics so you can fully appreciate my nudity clause:

Well then. Megan Fox is still the hottest person alive. If you say different I will strike you in the testicles and/or ovaries. Except I will use my penis in my attempted ovary strike. It should be great fun. I’m pretty sure Megan would be up for it, as I can almost guarantee that she would be moisteningly impressed in my ability to run across the yard faster than that chipmunk over there. “That’s right, Carl! Your larger acorn pile don’t mean shit!”

I would still totally do the hell out of Jennifer Aniston.  She’s got a wicked body and looks like she’d be pretty damn wild in the bedroom region.  But I’m not quite sure she is Bond girl material.  The Daily Mail:

For Jennifer Aniston, age really is no boundary.
She’s dating a man nine years her junior and now she’s chasing a film role usually reserved for rising young actresses almost half her age.
The star, who rang in her 40th birthday last month, has revealed she has her eyes set on being a Bond girl.
She told Elle magazine: ‘I get offered funny, quirky, pretty roles. I’d love to do an action movie. James Bond. Glamour. Daniel Craig. S**t-loads of fun.’

Yea, no.  Jennifer is not slouch in the beauty department, but she is not outrageously hot, or an exotic beauty by any means.  The latest Bond girl, Olga Kurylenko, bitchslaps her five ways from Sunday (what does that saying mean?  I thought there was only one way from Sunday — Monday) when it comes to looks.  Olga is insanely hot, an exotic beauty, and insanely hot.  Like, she starts buildings on fire, hot.  And I’m not entirely sure that Jennifer could take the reigns as a female action lead.  Her repertoire thus far has generally consisted of craptastic romantic comedies, and more craptastic romantic comedies.  That doesn’t exactly scream, “Gun-toting femme fatale.”

Here are some pictures of Aniston in Elle, and Olga in GQ and Maxim so you can contrast and compare.

I really have to start one of these lads magazine things.  The promotional tour of my bedroom has yet to lead to any supermodels getting naked for my polaroids.  Like, for instance, if Heidi Klum showed up naked to my tour, I wouldn’t even charge her the usual sexing fee of getting to see a real, live faucet.

Well, I’ve finally returned from my lengthy self-exile in the Amazon Rainforest.  Why was I hiding in the Amazon Rainforest, you ask?  Well, apparently, Mexican Drug Lords do not like it when you drive off in the wrong van after a weekend of binge drinking only to discover that, that van is a mechanized drug mule filled with Colombian bam bam.  Anywho, to celebrate my return with my lifetime business partners, Jose and Manuel, here’s Emmanuelle Chriqui being all hot and bothered.

Take some time to put your head back together… “Now I know, Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say…”  Alright then, welcome back.  Get that nose in the right place?  Anywho, remember these Megan Fox pictures I posted yesterday?  Turns out there was an article that went with it that I didn’t read.  In that article, Megan talks about her love for a stripper…  Ah, shit.  Head blow up again?  Sorry about that.  GQ:

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided—oh man; sorry, Mommy!—that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I bought her things—perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! I didn’t want her to be there.”

I’ve a question: Who is that retarded son of a bitch who DUMPED MEGAN FOX?!  What the fuck?  Do you hate your penis that much that you would deprive it from MEGAN FOX’S Holiest of Holies?  I’m just going to assume that this kid had a tumor the size of Neptune in his brain that hindered his decision-making abilities.

NOTE: Apparently, you can get arrested for standing outside someone’s window for two weeks yelling, “You are my sexy soul mate.”  No one likes a tattletale, Megan!

For a long time now, I’ve had a Holy Trinity of hot chicks whom I felt are the hottest chicks alive.  That trinity consists of Marisa Miller, Bar Rafaeli, and Megan Fox.  Marisa and Bar generally traded-off on the top spot leaving Ms. Fox in third place.  This is mostly because Megan has refused to cooperate and has not wore a bikini every waking moment like I explained in the diagram I sent.  Luckily, GQ has taken up my cause and have successfully photographed Megan in her sexiest photoshoot to date.  And with that, we have a new leader of the Holy Trinity.

NOTE: Click the link below to view a video of Megan’s GQ photoshoot.

Photo: GQ

There is no question that Marisa Miller is the hottest chick on the planet, and GQ seems to realize it, and by realize it I mean they have Marisa Miller frolic around nearly naked.  Of course, they decided to keep it unsophisticated and not classy in the least by having Marisa cover up the naughty business, which is just stupid and unprofessional.  Some people would call this set of photos the greatest display of heroics ever known, and some people would call that exploitation of women.  I like to call that second group of people the “Fat Ugly Jealous Wenches Brigade.”  I visited the United Nations last week, and before they threw me into a pile of horse poop I was successfully able to introduce my legislation declaring it a crime against humanity for Marisa to wear more than zero articles of clothing.  They said it wasn’t legal because it was written in crayon on a McDonald’s napkin, but I have a good feeling about this.

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Photo: Hollywood Tuna, GQ

- Bluto -

Ah, Brazil.  What a country.  They got their super long rivers, ginormous plains, gargantuan cities, enough animals that can kill you to conquer France, and have had to live next to their unruly neighbor Colombia for decades.  Sure, Colombia throws some great parties sometimes, and has enough cocaine to kill a pod of Blue Whales, but you don’t really want to go over to their house when you have to be given a deep cavity search every time.  But you know what the best part about Brazil is?  They take all this in stride.  Not only do they take it in stride, they give back to the community.  And is there a better way to give back to the community than to keep breeding unimaginably hot supermodels year after year?  No there is not you idiot.  For example; Gisele Bundchen.  Gisele has been the hottest woman on the planet for like a decade, and her latest spread her in GQ only strengthens her dropkicks to the rest of the world’s supermodels, even if Marisa Miller is starting to learn how to bob and weave.  This got me thinking.  Tom Brady is the luckiest bastard on the planet.  He pretty much wins.  “Who was your last boyfriend Gisele?  Tom Brady?  Mother fucker.”  The only person that could come close to beating that son of a bitch is John Lennon.  And he’s a little preoccupied at the moment.  And Mark David Chapman is still an asshole.  Goddammit, crazy people piss me off.  What was I talking about again?  Oh, right.  Ladies and gentlemen, the “Boobs from Brazil.”

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Photo: Celebparasite

- Bluto -

Apparently, the UK edition of GQ thinks it’s a good idea to do a photo shoot of Charlize Theron grabbing her boobies.  Apparently, I agree 100%.  You know what I don’t agree with?  Covering up a nude Charlize Theron with a sheet.  What kind of idiocy is that?  Oh right, GQ is trying to be “artsy” again.  Just because you decided to pretend that Art was an actual major in college that doesn’t mean you have to punish the rest of us you assholes.

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Photo: Egotastic

- Bluto -