Even though Alessandra Ambrosio has been knocked up by some son of a bitch. that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the super sexy that was Alessandra Ambrosio prior to her cervix eating some bastard’s sperm.  Once again, hooray for Victoria’s Secret and their penchant for plucking the hottest chicks imaginable out of Brazil.

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Photo: Celebparasite, Popoholic, Lossip, Alessandra Fans, Celebrity Scandal, Km02

- Bluto -

Today’s Hot Chick of the Day comes from Fred.  Who is Fred you ask?  Well I will tell you, put your goddamn pants back on.  Fred is a mystical tribal chief of the Walla Walla island in the Southern Pacific, who once told me that I was the prettiest girl at the ball, which turned out to be rather odd since, as far as I can tell, I am sans boobs and vagine and the ball turned out to be the kitchen basement of the tribe he sold me to across the jungle for a bushel of coconuts.  Anyway, here’s Elin Grindemyr rockin’ those unbelievable Swedish genes.  Wow.

NOTE: Bluto has moved to Sweden.

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Photo: Gorillamask, Slitz

- Bluto -

In celebration of the site and I returning to a working, somewhat harmonious relationship, I decided to enter the Victoria’s Secret hotness vault once again and make a withdrawal, although I’d really like to make a deposit…… ba-dum-bum, thank you, I’ll be here all week.  According to Selita’s wikipedia biography (my research is deep and thorough, I know…… that’s what she said!  High five!) she was born in the Cayman Islands and has a little bit of Jamaican swimming around her bloodstream.  She also has some Indian thrown in for good measure, but that’s not important.  What is important is the Jamaican and Cayman.  Why you ask?  Because that means that her ancestors were absolutely pirates, which makes her the coolest girl ever.  So in conclusion, Selita Ebanks is stunningly gorgeous and has some pirate ancestry.  Check and mate.

Huh?  You want to know how I came about the scientific fact that Selita’s great, great, great, great, grandfather was a bloodthirsty buccaneer?  It came to me after many long hours of research and experiments in my laboratory, also, she’s wearing a pirate hat, and if that isn’t scientific proof I don’t know what is.

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Photo: SI, Km02

- Bluto -

So, I just went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall (ya, ya, ya two months late, whatever, shut up Nazi) earlier tonight, and I must say, if you have not yet seen this movie drop whatever you’re doing and go out and see it. I don’t care if you’re a neurosurgeon performing life-saving brain surgery, stick a scalpel in it and call it good. It’s their fault for getting a crappy brain anyway. Aside from being quite funny the film also showcases the hot, hot, hot Kristen Bell (who takes part in a humorous sex scene) and the unbelievably gorgeous Mila Kunis. Now, I’ve always thought Mila Kunis was really hot, but holy Jesus nailed to a cross is she beautiful in this movie. I don’t know if it was the sweet Hawaiian air or the brilliant blue waters of the Pacific, but Mila Kunis is an absolute 10 in this movie, possible a 40. This makes me think that everyone at Maxim magazine should be burned at the stake for placing her at only 81 on the Hot 100 list. Mila Kunis is easily number 3 (sorry Biel) only to be beat out be Megan Fox, and Marisa Miller. And based what I saw in this movie, Megan could have some stiff competition from Ms. Kunis, and by stiff competition I mean they need to decide who’s number 2 by way of a cherry Jell-O wrestling match.

Whoever gets to bed down with her at night is a lucky man, and luckily for the rest of you, I am Scotland Yard’s top detective…….. Macaulay Culkin?! Macaulay fucking Culkin?!?! Are you fucking serious?!?!?! Hell in the godforsaken hell did Home Alone pull that off? The only thing Macaulay Culkin should be allowed to date is the half-eaten meatball sub in my dumpster.

Did you notice how I ran out of Macaulay Culkin movies to replace his name with? That’s right.

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Photo: Stuff, Egotastic, Complex, GQ

- Bluto -

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Goddammit Bluto, stop smoking so much friggin’ opium,” but bear with me here. I’m not saying that the nightmare of today’s Britney Spears is deserved of the HCOTD crown, because she isn’t, at all, she’s more deserved of being KFC’s mascot. What I’m saying is that the Britney Spears of yesteryear is absolutely deserved (does that word work here? Sure why not) of the HCOTD crown. Back when you, your father, uncle, brother, grandpa, third cousin twice removed, and possibly your gay aunt would blow up all of France for the chance to touch her boobs. Back when Britney wasn’t completely insane, and didn’t think she needed to finish the entire cake each and every time. That Britney was hotter than hell. That Britney needs to break out of the mental asylum once more.

You may also be asking why I would visit the past when they are so many hot chicks in the here and now. Well, it’s mostly because I am really lazy today and have the ambition of Rosie O’Donnell in a marathon, and I remembered that One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest used to be really hot and making her today’s HCOTD would be really easy. So, blame Rosie O’Donnell’s jelly rolls if you are not satisfied and keep that revolution talk on the down-low. I promised to teach you serfs my knowledge of movable type, but not until the next turnip harvest comes in. And god help you if you those turnips are used as volley against my castle.

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Photo: Dumpstersluts (ha, also NSFW)

- Bluto -

Yesterday, I posted a story about the dark vortex of crap that is Carlos Mencia, and as you are probably still masturbating to may remember, I posted a picture of the exotic beauty known as Bar Refaeli instead of that tool shed Mencia. This got me to thinking that Bar Refaeli is really hot, and she would be a fantastic addition to the “Hot Chick” series. It also got me to thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis is the luckiest organ in the history of the world, and yes, this includes the Virgin Mary’s uterus. Just stop and think about it for a second, but fight the urge to reenact the music world of April 5, 1994. DiCaprio has stuck his penetration machine in Gisele Bundchen AND Bar Refaeli and could’ve had them naked any time he wanted to. Goddammit that man is lucky. I’m pretty sure that if I learned I had the privilege to have either or both Gisele and Bar naked any time I pleased my penis would go into convulsions and my head would explode.

So to recap;

Leonardo DiCaprio: rich, famous, greatest actor of our generation, and has bedded two of the hottest supermodels known to man.

Bluto: poor, infamous/outcast among his stuffed animals, whale inseminator/part-time writer on his obscure blog, and successfully bedded the club-footed retard at the senior prom. Who’s laughing now DiCaprio?

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Photo: Sports Illustrated, Arena

- Bluto -

For the seven of you who read this site on a regular basis you may be asking yourself, “Why hasn’t thy noble Lord Bluto updated thyne Holy site in what may be a fortnight so we serfs can take our minds off of the slave labor he puts us through godswallop barney blagged mudpies?” Well, it’s because the brain cell that runs the operations in my head decided to be a smart ass this weekend so I had to show him what’s what with vast amounts of grain alcohol. I’m pretty sure he learned his lesson, but he hasn’t said anything for about a day, must be napping. Also, it’s because I’m really lazy and nobody in Hollywood has done anything worth mentioning recently. They need to get on the ball and die or kill a hooker or something.

So to ease back into the swing of things, here’s Heidi Klum…….. ahhh, now that little bastard is awake….. get to work dammit!

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Photo: Km02, Sports Illustrated. Egotastic, Idontlikeyouinthatway

- Bluto -

God Bless Great Britain and its large-breasted women. Is it just me, or has the UK been churning out some incredibly lady-folk over the past few years? The answer of course is, yes, they have been churning out some incredible lady-folk over the past few years. I don’t know if this is a new thing but it seems as though they have an abnormal amount of chicks with really, really large racks, and yet, these racks are neither disgusting nor frightening, and even better, the females that go with them are gorgeous. This is a mystery for the ages, but luckily, I Bluto, am here as your resident detective to solve this sexy riddle. Here’s how it breaks down:

- UK has the world’s largest empire back in the day.

- This empire includes the Colonies that form the future U.S.A.

- One day George Washington and his buddies are sitting around the pub chatting and they get to thinking, “Ya know chaps, the Queen we have over there across the pond isn’t as attractive as our last one. What are we supposed to use to forget the oppression we suffer on a daily basis? And that bloke she’s married to is a rightful dick.” “George, you have never made more sense. Viva Revolucion!” “What? Goddammit Steven, we don’t speak fairy fucking French in these parts. Get the hell out of here!”

- So, a historic case of blue balls leads to the greatest revolt in world history.

- Word of this swims back to King George and he’s like “Oh those mother fuckers!”

- So for the next 8 years the Colonies and the British Empire wage war because they want us to drink their Chinese Tea while we were set on drinking Holland’s tea, which may or may not have been smuggled.

- During the course of the war a douche by the name of Benedict Arnold decided to be a major dick.

- Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla, the U.S. ended up kicking the UK in the nuts, and France started a precedent where they win a war when America does most of the fighting.

- Back to the present day: the United Kingdom is still America’s bitch, and we still treat it like our little brother. We make fun of it to our friends but sometimes we let it come to the movie with us.

- The United Kingdom has tried to impress its bigger brother for the past 200 some years by giving the U.S. kickass music and mind-numbingly hot chicks, like Keeley Hazell. Or sure, there’s been a few sibling rivalries here and there, War of 1812, but for the most part our relationship has been fairly harmonious. Great Britain continues to shine our shoes, and we continue to invite them to the movies. Even though we should’ve listened to them when they said that movie in the desert was going to be a bad one, whatever, it’s their fault.

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Photo: Askmen, Celeb Babes, FHM, Zoo, Page3

- Bluto -

Now I say this on a regular basis about 73 times a day, but I must say it again, Hugh Hefner is a goddamn genius. As you can clearly see from the photo above and galleries below, Sara jean Underwood is gorgeous. She looks like the farm girl next door who you would think says her prayers every night and wouldn’t know what reverse cowgirl is, but as soon she hits those bedsheets she turns into a demon sex spawn who takes you on a wonderful and mystical journey through the enchanted forests of Vulva Village.

Alright, that concludes tonight’s bedtime story, come back tomorrow for the exciting story of my adventures through the Cavernous Caverns of Side Alley Mary.

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Photo: Playboy, Daily Niner

- Bluto -

Ah, Elisha Cuthbert, the gorgeous Girl Next Door who refused to show her magnificent body in all its naked glory, but let’s not focus on that travesty of humanity. Instead, let’s focus on the yo-yo effect Ms. Cuthbert has been having on my penis over the last couple of years. When I was first introduced to this sexy vixen it seemed as though that she was all that was good and great on this green Earth. She was unbelievably hot in the Girl Next Door and had some quality teasing scenes. Of course these teasing scene ended up being ultimately traumatic as they did not evolve into awesome boob action, and may have lead to my eye cancer (apparently you’re not supposed to press your face against the TV). I personally believe that this movie was mostly ad-libbed and we had a very real opportunity to see Ms. Cuthbert in her good-time party outfit, but Emile Hirsch was unable to close the deal. Sure he got “laid” in a limo at the end of the movie, but did anyone else notice that Elisha’s boobies were kept under cover? Clearly they faked that sex scene, which is why The Girl Next Door was not invited to the Academy Awards. Naked Elisha Cuthbert sex scene = Academy Award for Best Picture…. Emile Hirsch trying not to bust a nut while Elisha dry humps him = sitting next to Rob Schneider at the Golden Raspberry Awards (as you may remember I used that reference in any earlier post, and I shall continue to do so when referring to a bad movie, because Rob Schneider is just awful, and not that The Girl Next Door was a bad movie, it was not, it was just an asshole for all the teasing).

Anyway, back to the yo-yo effect. Ms. Cuthbert burst onto my scene with all the sexy subtlety of a Tsunami in Sri Lanka and it was a wondrous, magical time for my penis. Then for reasons unknown Elisha decided to get a butch lesbian haircut and for many moons my penis was confused. He stayed up late at night, looking out the window with a blank stare in his eye wondering, why God? Why would you do this to me? He was still certain that he would plow the hell out of Elisha’s lady-hole, but was also certain he have to make a run for it immediately post-coitus for fear of having to endure a lecture on the modern-day ethos of the Feminist Movement (I’m sorry, but Feminism just doesn’t hold as much water as it did in the late-18th, early-19th century). But for the benefit of all mankind, Elisha has once again proven her unquestionable hotness by busting out this latest Maxim spread, in which she looks absolutely freakin’ gorgeous. So praise be to the godly genes that Elisha carries and praise be to the genius who brainstormed that photoshoot.

That rant is entirely way too long to proofread. Laziness is a cruel mistress.

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Photo: Maxim, Virgin Media, Celebrity Movie Archive

- Bluto -