And she continues to remain completely useless and terribly uninteresting. But I guess this is better than her upcoming, non-nude Playboy pictorials will be. TMZ:

Heidi said although she exposed a lot of skin during the shoot, she still covered up the bull’s-eyes on her moneymakers. She also told us she’ll be featured on two covers — but no real nudity.

So Playboy may as well have given $500,000 to a dog that spins around in a circle and licks itself. It’s essentially the same thing.

[View with PicLens]

Sweet.  Merciful.  Crap.  I don’t know who the dumbass is who keeps forgetting to burn down the studio when Heidi gets within 700 miles of it, but for fuck’s sake.  The only logical conclusion I have been able to come to as to why someone would unleash this abomination upon the world is that the producer of this song is in fact, Satan.  That’s right.  For the past 2,000 years, Satan has been sitting in his crappy apartment down in hell trying to conjure up a way to rule the Earth, and for the past 2,000 years his nights always ended with him thinking about the hot, new whip lady in Cave Section B while fondling himself.  Then came September 15, 1986.  Is it a coincidence that the 9/11 attacks and this vapid waste of oxygen’s birth just happened to occur in the same month?  I think not.  Nay friends, on that unholiest of days, the dark beast of evil was delivered his ultimate weapon!  A talentless moron with blonde hair and plastic tits.  The world’s armies will not stand a chance!  While their minds be sent asunder from the shrieks and shrills emanating from this wombat’s vocal chords, their eyes will be swayed by the miracle of surgical enhancement!  Doomed we be, my friends, doomed we be.

But in all seriousness, this song is fucking terrible and it should be burned at the stake.  In fact, I’m 100% certain that if you played this song simultaneously against “A Day in the Life,” Heidi Montag’s head would explode, and Spencer Pratt would be eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex…….. someone find me some stereos!

EDIT: Just so you can hear the difference between music that someone (Heidi Montag) should be legally executed for, and music that was created by the greatest band to ever step into a studio; here’s “Strawberry Fields Forever.”

NOTE: If you don’t know who made this song I will shoot you out of a cannon aimed at the sun.

- Bluto -

Despite denials from Lauren Conrad’s ex Jason something Wahler that a sex tape of the two does not exist, the number 1 contender for “Biggest Douche in the Universe” Spencer Pratt is not backing down from his claims. Us Magazine says:

Spencer Pratt is sticking to his story that a Lauren Conrad-Jason Wahler sex tape existed.

Wahler told Usmagazine.com Wednesday morning: “I do not have a sex tape of Lauren Conrad and one does not exist. Spencer Pratt is lying again to get attention.”

But Pratt countered to Us Wednesday afternoon: “Jason’s statement couldn’t be more transparent. Notice how he uses present tense, ‘I DO not have a sex tape… one DOES not exist.’”

“We all know that it existed, that he tried to sell it and is now covering up to make himself look better,” Pratt added.

And the most important issue of our age continues to grow. Presidential Election? Please. Genocide in Darfur? Ha, yea right. Global Warming? What is this amateur hour? Whether or not that one chick from The Hills has a sex-tape runs laps around those issues. Now let’s analyze the claims from the “Vortex of Douche” Spencer Pratt and Lauren’s ex-vagina-rammer Jason something. Firstly, Spencer went on Tyra Banks’ show and said that ahahahahahahahahaha…… almost made it. Turns out that I care more about watching my dog lick itself than I do about this crap.

- Bluto -

In what is being called the greatest terrorist attack since Fat Britney’s vagina escaped, Heidi Montag, and that one douche who’s trying to use her boobs to skyrocket to fame (if my calculations are correct Spencer “I’m a Giant Tool” Pratt will skyrocket directly into the Sun), attended the White House Correspondent’s Dinner Saturday night.
It has not been determined how many people died in the attack but my scientific estimates range into the trillions. According to the NY Post:

“NOBODY expected to see Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt at the White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, DC, Saturday night, especially after the obnoxious couple (see photo, facing page) were disinvited from MSNBC’s table. But they managed to snag a last-minute seat at Fortune magazine’s table.”

Can you imagine the vacuum of stupid that was in that room? Bush, Cheney, Rice….. Montag?! It’s like Satan doesn’t even have to try to destroy the world anymore. Only those idiots would invite a fake-titted “reality” star with the intelligence of a half-eaten pickle to a dinner held by people with real jobs who are forced to cover the worst administration since Pinky and the Brain staged their coup (may not have actually happened except in my dreams…). I have to imagine that 97% of the journalists thought driving their steak-knives into their jugular was the greatest idea ever after seeing the First Couple of Retard saunter in.

I was going to find an actual picture of plastic tits at the dinner but since her only redeemable quality exists from her neck down I thought this would be better.

Photo: Celebrity-Gossip.net

- Bluto -