Okay, important questions first.  Who in the blue hell is MacKenzie Phillips?  You don’t know either?  Well, fuck it then.  Anyway, she was arrested at LAX after “the man” found some sort of extra-curricular substances on her person, or luggage, or something (I wasn’t paying attention); namely, heroin and cocaine, the life-blood of any party.  People reports:

“She was being screened by airport security when a small amount of what appeared to be heroin and cocaine were found on her person,” Sgt. Jim Holcomb said. “She was arrested at about 10 a.m. and is still in custody.”

He added: “The substances were found in balloons and baggies.”

Phillips was booked at the Van Nuys, Calif. jail, and bail was set at $10,000.

Do you think if I peanut-butter AND jelly on a celery stick it would still be good?  Because it’s good on bread, and peanut-butter by itself is good on celery, so it stands to reason that the two would be just as good on celery as they are on a PB&J sandwich.  I’m going to go test this theory out, stay tuned.

In a move that’s surprising to no one, the Judicial System in California phoned-in another case of a celebrity wiping their ass with the law.  CSI Star Gary Dourdan was arrested some time ago (I’m too lazy to check back and see when) after he was found passed out in his car, which was facing the wrong direction on the road.  In his possession police found: HEROIN, ECSTASY, and COCAINE.  But guess what, Dourdan plead guilty to the counts of possessing cocaine and ecstasy, and the prosecution just pretended the heroin was just make believe.  Unconfirmed reports also state the Dourdan cockslapped the judge for making him come to court for all this nonsense.  When is an earthquake supposed to kick California out of the country again?  People:

Gary Dourdan, best known for his role on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, pleaded guilty to counts of cocaine and Ecstasy possession during his arraignment Wednesday in Indio, Calif.

He was charged with three counts of felony drug possession following his April 28 early-morning arrest in Palm Springs, Calif. The heroin count was dismissed.

“As a result of today’s proceedings, Gary has been given diversion (a drug treatment program),” his lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley said outside the Lawson Justice Center. “He very much regrets what happened and he’s very embarrassed by what occurred, but he’s looking forward to moving on and getting back to work.”

Dourdan had faced up to three years and eight months based on the charges filed against him. Instead, he faces no prison time, but must complete the 16-class drug program.

Seriously, what the hell?  Does the actor’s union have something on the law enforcement in LA?  Do they have photos of the chief banging a hooker on top of another dead hooker?  What the hell excuse did they use for dropping the heroin charge?  You realize what would happen if you or I (mostly you) got arrested with three felony drugs in our possession, while we were passed out in a car that we were presumably driving under the influence of THREE FUCKING DRUGS.  Well I’ll tell you.  We’d be sent to Myanmar to be apart of their brilliantly designed “Human Wall Against the Evil Typhoons.”  And that shit is going to work too.  You just send a Cat 5 Typhoon up against that wall Mother Nature, and see what happens…… Everyone in the wall will die and the Myanmar Military Junta is fucking retarded you say?  Well then.

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CSI star Gary Dourdan was arrested in the early morning hours of April 28 after being found with heroin, cocaine, and ecstasy (party!) in his possession, and today/yesterday/whenever was formally charged with three counts of felony drug possession.  Us reports:

CSI star Gary Dourdan has formally been charged with drug possession, according to documents obtained by Usmagazine.com from California’s Riverside County District Attorney’s Office.

He was charged with felony possession of heroin, cocaine and ecstasy.

Police arrested Dourdan, 41, after they found him asleep in his car, which was parked on the wrong side of the road, in Palm Springs, Calif., in the early morning hours on April 28. After searching his vehicle, they confiscated the drugs.

Oh big fucking deal.  He was arrested in Calithelawdoesnotapplyherefornia, which is the first….. well the first and only step in getting away with breaking the law.  I suspect that by this time tomorrow the mayor of LA, Antonio Villaraigosa, will be giving Dourdan the key to the city while getting mounted by Gil Grissom.

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Pete Doherty, who will one day challenge cockroaches for world supremacy after the bombs drop, was recently sentenced to 14-weeks in jail after failing orders to take drug tests while  on a suspended sentence for, what else, making sweet love to the white China.  Using the innate innovation abilities that drug addicts seem to have, Pete used his skills to Shawshank Redemption-his way out of jail, and…… wait…… no, no I guess he was just released after 29 days; seems reasonable.  The Sun confounds:

PETE DOHERTY is to go free on Tuesday — after just 29 days of his 14-week jail term and DESPITE taking heroin behind bars.

The Sun revealed last month how BABYSHAMBLES frontman Doherty, 29, was shooting up in the DETOX unit of London’s Wormwood Scrubs.

But he is being released as soon as possible. His sentence has been halved and a further 18 days deducted as part of a scheme introduced last summer to ease jail overcrowding.

On top of that he gets another two days off because of time in police custody.

So law enforcement in the U.K. is just as effective against celebrities as law enforcement in Hollywood then?   I’m pretty sure that if I got caught shooting heroin and then refused to take required drug tests I’d still be doing slave-labor IN China.  Then, after I eventually sewed a Nike sole to my hand I would be replaced by a newborn and sent to the body farm, where I would be privileged enough to go through plastination and would get to tour the world with the Body World exhibition, hooray!

Photo: Brit Music Scene

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