Holy Jesus fucking Christ on a stick. Someone needs to marry this chick and then dump her so she has something new to obsess over. I volunteer under the stipulation that she is always naked. If, god forbid, she has to leave the bedroom she must wear a skin-tight dress with her boobs pushed up to her chin, for instance — oh, I added her GQ pics so you can fully appreciate my nudity clause:

I would still totally do the hell out of Jennifer Aniston.  She’s got a wicked body and looks like she’d be pretty damn wild in the bedroom region.  But I’m not quite sure she is Bond girl material.  The Daily Mail:

For Jennifer Aniston, age really is no boundary.
She’s dating a man nine years her junior and now she’s chasing a film role usually reserved for rising young actresses almost half her age.
The star, who rang in her 40th birthday last month, has revealed she has her eyes set on being a Bond girl.
She told Elle magazine: ‘I get offered funny, quirky, pretty roles. I’d love to do an action movie. James Bond. Glamour. Daniel Craig. S**t-loads of fun.’

Yea, no.  Jennifer is not slouch in the beauty department, but she is not outrageously hot, or an exotic beauty by any means.  The latest Bond girl, Olga Kurylenko, bitchslaps her five ways from Sunday (what does that saying mean?  I thought there was only one way from Sunday — Monday) when it comes to looks.  Olga is insanely hot, an exotic beauty, and insanely hot.  Like, she starts buildings on fire, hot.  And I’m not entirely sure that Jennifer could take the reigns as a female action lead.  Her repertoire thus far has generally consisted of craptastic romantic comedies, and more craptastic romantic comedies.  That doesn’t exactly scream, “Gun-toting femme fatale.”

Here are some pictures of Aniston in Elle, and Olga in GQ and Maxim so you can contrast and compare.

John Mayer could not be reached for comment, but I’m just going to go ahead and assume his answer would’ve been, “Jennifer, who?”  Star reports:

Jennifer Aniston had a dinner date with hunky Brit movie star Gerard Butler. But her on-again beau John Mayer shouldn’t worry — it was strictly business.
On Wednesday night, Jen and Gerard — who got flirty after meeting at the Toronto Film Festival in September — had dinner with director Andy Tennant at one of Jen’s favorite Los Angeles nightspots — the Tower Bar at the Sunset Tower Hotel.
“Jennifer, Gerard and Andy had a 2 hour dinner at approximately 9pm,” an observer tells Star. “They enjoyed a lovely dinner and drinks while talking about a future project. Jennifer was enjoying a glass of white wine

.

If Gerard did not answer every question with, “This is Sparta,” this date was massively disappointing.  Also, Jennifer should’ve probably been topless.  Ya know, to keep with Ancient Greek customs, and anything else I can make up that will result in Jennifer’s boobs being out amongst the citizens.

Diablo Cody needs to shut the hell up.  (WWTDD)

Guitar Hero is going to pimp out Jimi Hendrix for their next game.  (Ultimate-Guitar)

Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are trying to cut through her bikini again.  (Egotastic)

Jessica Simpson’s ass used to be what dreams were made of.  (College Humor)

Petra Nemcova would look much better here if she wasn’t wearing any clothes.  (Popoholic)

Like she is here.  Well, topless anyway.  (Metadish)

Aubrey O’Day is a topless slut who likes porn.  Love at first sight?  (IDLYITW)

Break gallery number 78 billion, hooray!  (Break)

Name that Celebrtiy Cameltoe, or just look and make God cry.  (Cityrag)

7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off.  (Cracked)

They’re rare, but they do exist — Hot Female Nerds.  (Uber)

Pamela Anderson still has a smokin’ hot figure.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Holly Madison never disappoints.  Especially when she is wearing a shirt that seems to be designed for nipple slips.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Kim Kardashian’s ass is being deployed to the Persian Gulf.  Game, set, and match Iran.  (The Superficial)

Is that Juliana Margulies’ vagina?  The Last Brain Cell’s crack team of scientists is on the case.  First stop, strip club.  (WWTDD)

Oprah presents, Tyler Weaver.  Sweet merciful crap; this kid could beat up the entire state of Vermont.  (Best Week Ever)

The most important election of your lifetime – Maxim Hometown Hotties Finalists (Vote Lolly).  (Maxim)

The 6 Most (Certifiably) Insane Tales of Rock Star Behavior.  (Cracked)

Football and hot chicks, they just go together.  Well, at least they did with these 10 Hot Chicks. (All Balls)

These 10 Serial Killers don’t get nearly the recognition they deserve.  (Ask Men)

If I changed my name to Earl would Nadine Valezquez clean my room?  Naked?  (Popoholic)

Jessica Simpson’s boobs make a good mic stand. (Egotastic)

Elizabeth Hurley can still fill out a dress (See: Cleavage).  (Hollywood Tuna)

Hayden Panettiere makes sure her boobs are secure (dammit).  (Egotastic)

Proof that stupid people will eventually remove their genes from the gene pool.  (Break)

Michelle Hunziker is still at the beach.  Also known as: awesome. (The Superficial)

I hereby proclaim Bar Rafaeli the hottest woman alive.  And she’s not even trying.  (WWTDD)

Jennifer Aniston’s eyes are trying to murder me, which is OK as long as the murdering takes place post-coitus.  (dlisted)

Sweet Jesus blowing a chicken Monica Hansen is hot.  (COED)

The 10 hottest Female Politicians of all time.  I will sign any treaty they want. (Unibrow)

Oh my fucking Christ.  I have a friend who would kill every midget in the circus to have this Personal Peanut Butter Machine.  (Geekologie)

Holly Madison would look much better wearing this top hat if she was naked.  I guess nearly naked will have to do.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Hayden Panettiere should wear spandex all the time.  (The Superficial)

Jennifer Aniston decided to do a little shopping the other day, and luckily for us she brought the twins with.  Jesus tap-dancing Christ it looks like they woke up on the right side of the bed.  Jennifer has always had one of the best bodies in Hollywood, and even though her rack isn’t the biggest in town I’d still she has among the best mammaries in the business.  It doesn’t hurt that her nipples are perpetually on point either.  So, Jennifer is either always cold or ready to break the bed springs, hopefully the latter.

Photo: Hollywood Tuna

- Bluto -

John Mayer’s current penis garage is in Miami filming Marley & Me, a movie that apparently requires Jennifer Aniston to be in a bikini 93% of the time. My penis and I agree that this is one of the wisest film decisions ever made and will surely be held as a benchmark for today’s up and coming filmmakers to measure themselves against. Sure, you have two lesbians who are childless and won’t be accepted by the the small-minded community of their Montana farm town, and sure, this film teaches you important life lessons on dealing with adversity, and acceptance, and all that stupid shit. But let me ask you this, does it have Jennifer Aniston in a bikini, which is possibly lost in the surf while swimming with her beloved Yellow Labrador? No? Well, looks like someone is going to get seated next to Rob Schneider at this year’s Golden Raspberry Awards.

But back to Aniston’s rockin’ body, did anyone else notice that when in normal attire she is either perpetually cold and/or horny, hopefully the latter? I swear, her nipples could cut diamonds…… hmmmm…… get me the phone number to De Beers, quick!

[View with PicLens]

Photo: The Superficial

- Bluto -