6 Saints Who Could Kick Your Ass.  (Cracked)

The USC Trojan Cheerleaders are really, really, really…  Really, hot.  (COED)

The Top 10 Outrageous Dubai Construction Projects.  (Ask Men)

It’s that time again, Break Gallery.  (Break)

David Blaine is not even trying anymore.  (IDLYITW)

I have no idea who Danielle Bux is, but I do know that she looks fantastic in lingerie.  (The Superficial)

Metallica sits atop the Billboard for the second straight week.  (Ultimate Guitar)

More Jessica Alba bikini goddness.  (WWTDD)

Aubrey O’Day’s boobs are fighting to get out of her dress; *sniff* brave little big fellas.   (Hollywood Tuna)

Amber Heard visits FHM and takes her top off.  That’s called being cordial, ladies.  (Egotastic)

I really have to get my ass over to Oktoberfest if there’s babes like these running around.  (COED)

6 Brainwashing Techniques They’re Using On You Right Now.  Dammit.  (Cracked)

The 10 Hottest Moments In Braless Celebrity History.  Who was the whorebag who invented bras, anyway?  (Unibrow)

Jessica Alba continues her glorious return to bikini-town.  (The Superficial)

Blake Lively busts out the cleavage.  I bust out of my pants.  (WWTDD)

Jennifer Aniston is also wearing a bikini.  I’m pretty sure she’s done this before, and I enjoyed it.  (Egotastic)

Hilary Duff has a sweet behind.  Is it made of sugar?  Oh!  I see, because of the tight pants.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Mastercard: Official Card Of The 2nd Depression.  (Break)

Top 5 Yankee Stadium Moments.  (Bush League)

In case you were wondering how to buy lingerie, Jayde Nicole is here to help.  (Spike)

Maxim was kind enough to throw together the Most Gratuitous Horror Movie Nude Scenes.  (Maxim)

Further proof that Rich People are dicks.  Unless of course I become rich, than we are cool.  (Cracked)

Jamie Lynne Spears‘ breast-feeding pictures have turned into a federal porn investigation.  Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-dun-dun-dun.  (IDLYITW)

George Michael likes crack.  The police do not.  (The Superficial)

Doutzen Kroes, the newest Victoria’s Secret Angel, goes to to the beach.  You can now boil eggs of the coast of Miami.  (WWTDD)

Another Break Gallery.  Hooray.  (Break)

Brooke Hogan dons another bikini.  I don’t know if I should touch myself or unlock the shotgun.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Watch out paparazzi, Lindsay Lohan is throwin’ fists.  (IDLYITW)

Los Angeles County should use Kim Kardashian’s giant ass as a billboard.  (The Superficial)

Pacific Ocean had to be refilled after Jennifer Lopez made it to the swim portion of the Malibu Triathalon.  (WWTDD)

Another Break gallery filled with hot chicks, their boobs, and other stuff you don’t care about.  (Break)

History’s 7 Most Terrifying Romances.  (Cracked)

I’m moving to Hawaii.  Hopefully I shall run into the 10 Hottest Hawaiian Babes of All Time while I am there.  (Unibrow)

Jessica Alba takes her post-pregnancy boobs for stroll.  I move into some nearby bushes.  (Egotastic)

Sophie Monk wears a shirt, and that’s about it.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Dammit, dammit, dammit!  Misleading titles fool me again.  People reports:

Jessica Alba, who appears in a in new bondage-inspired campaign for the voter group Declare Yourself, isn’t afraid to employ a little shock value for a cause she believes in.

“I think it is important for young people to be aware of the need we have in this country to get them more active politically,” says Alba. “People respond to things that are shocking.”

The dramatic image “really resonates” with the issue of voting, according to the 27-year-old star. “If you don’t register and vote and make a difference, and hopefully change the bad things that are happening in our country, you are essentially just binding and muzzling yourself.”

Ya know what Declare Yourself, fuck you.  Just for this asshole-ish display of asshole I’m going to sit on my ass forever and never participate in politics.  I don’t care if the republicans drive us back to 1632, if you’re going to have an ad with Jessica Alba in bondage you damn well better roll all the marbles and make it as controversial as possible, i.e. nude.

It’s good to see Jessica Alba out showcasing the only thing she’s known for these days since she can act about as well as that half-eaten pickle staring at me……. “What do you want from me?!”  Seriously, he gets like this everytime I take a little bite of him, all moody and unresponsive.  Speaking of hard things, is there a cold snap going through LA?

Photo: The Superficial

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After vigorously studying Jessica Alba’s chest region, astronomers have proclaimed that her wonderful miracles of mammary have officially been granted planetary status.  They will take their place in orbit around the sun between Venus and Earth.  In related news, NASA has announced that its astronaut applications have risen by 4,000%.  Amazing.

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Photo: Egotastic

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Jessica Alba and her son of a bitch husband welcomed a baby girl, Honor Marie Warren, late Saturday night in Los Angeles.  Us reports:

Honor Marie Warren was born Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Alba’s father was overheard saying “she’s beautiful.” Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday.

Alba, 26, and Warren, 28, announced they were expecting last December.

Honor?  Alright then.  Well, congratulations to Mrs. Alba and her healthy baby who will be the desire of every man on the planet in 18 years should Cash Warsonofabitchren’s seed hold up to Alba’s spectacular genes.  Congratulations are not in order for said son of a bitch as he is still responsible for taking away the carefree, more than likely wild as all hell in the sack Jessica Alba, and transforming her into the calm, motherly role she will now fulfill.  What a selfish asshole.  Luckily, he gets to look forward to chasing every man in the Union down the street with a shotgun in about two decades.

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….so says the dream in my head.  What could spurn such cruel and malicious thoughts you ask?  Well, mainly it’s People’s report that, that son of a bitch Cash Warren married Jessica Alba.  Why the hell didn’t Alba’s parents sit her down and talk about safe sex?  Why the hell did my Sperm Laser Uterus Defense 4000 fail?  Dammit:

The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.

According to a source, they were married in the Beverly Hills courthouse’s ceremony room under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds.

This is why only women and gay dudes should be allowed as on-set technician people when filming movies.  You see what happens when you let one of the world’s hottest women get within 6 feet of a straight douche of a director’s assistant?  Mercy fuck, then pregnancy, then “You better marry my daughter before I shove this shotgun up your ass” Dad speech.  You want proof that there is no God?  Well this is it, folks.  If there was a God Cash Warren would’ve been struck down by lightning faster than the priest had the alter boy lick his taint after Sunday service.

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Jessica Alba went out to eat at some restaurant in some city on what I assume is planet Earth; I don’t know, that’s not important. What is important is that Jessica Alba is pregnant and that of course means she has one of the greatest cases of “Pregnant Boobs Syndrome” ever, and as you may or may not already know “Pregnant Boobs Syndrome” is the single greatest syndrome to ever evolve. What makes this even more masturbation-worthy exciting is that Alba decided to restrain the twins behind only a thin layer of cloth, sans bra. That is pretty much the greatest idea she’s ever had. Her massive sentries of Mammary Mountain are exceptional. Early summer may mark the first time that I’ve ever been jealous of a baby.

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Photo: Splash News

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