It’s good to see Jessica huffing and wheezing her way through the myriad of high class county fairs and down home chili cook-offs to reclaim her former glory of ridiculous sexiness. Granted, her boobs will always be amongst the best sets that Hollywood can dish out — and I’d still kill every newborn in Guatemala to have sex with that — but it’s just so much more awesome when Jessica’s rockin’ tits are accompanied by her rockin’ bod. For instance:

Haha, she sucks…  Really well, I’d imagine.  Grand Rapids Press:

But it was pop singer-turned-actor-turned-country starlet, Jessica Simpson, who generated the most reaction as she fought back tears, forgot her lyrics and mumbled her way through a bizarre 38-minute set.
Almost from the opening song of “These Boots are Made for Walking,” Simpson fought with her ear monitors, constantly trying to keep them in place, meaning she was having difficulty hearing her own voice. That’s frustrating.
At one point she had her backing seven-piece band stop and start over on the uptempoed song “Pray Out Loud.”
After that, she forgot the lyrics to her single “Come on Over,” which left her extremely frustrated, asking for forgiveness from the audience by mouthing the word “sorry” on two large video screens.
The singer said there are times she feels like walking off the stage — “like tonight.” At the end of the song, she thanked her band for “having her back.” And it looked as if she was wiping away tears as she walked off the stage.

Wait.  People actually pay money to see Jessica Simpson “perform?”  And they have to pay for the torture of sitting through Rascal Flatts?  Is she naked?  No?  Is there free sex after the show?  No?  Well what the hell is wrong with people?!

Carbon neutral cellphones?  Alright then.  (Geekologie)

When did Hilary Duff get so hot?  (Hollywood Tuna)

Sarah Jessica Parker is moving back under her bridge.  (IDLYITW)

Investigations are currently underway to figure out if this amazing Jessica Simpson picture is the real deal, or just some evil sorcerer’s dastardly deed.  (WWTDD)

The 100 Sexiest Topless Babes of 2008, according to Nuts Magazine.  (Nuts)

The greatest NFL Cheerleader Photos of the past year.  (NFL)

Chicks grabbing their own boobs is awesome.  Celebrity chicks grabbing their own boobs is even better.  (Manofest)

An Abigail Clancy collection of assorted photographs, because she’s gorgeous.  (Gorillamask)

Obama meets with other people who formerly had the worst job in the world.  (CNN)

Diablo Cody needs to shut the hell up.  (WWTDD)

Guitar Hero is going to pimp out Jimi Hendrix for their next game.  (Ultimate-Guitar)

Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are trying to cut through her bikini again.  (Egotastic)

Jessica Simpson’s ass used to be what dreams were made of.  (College Humor)

Petra Nemcova would look much better here if she wasn’t wearing any clothes.  (Popoholic)

Like she is here.  Well, topless anyway.  (Metadish)

Aubrey O’Day is a topless slut who likes porn.  Love at first sight?  (IDLYITW)

Break gallery number 78 billion, hooray!  (Break)

Name that Celebrtiy Cameltoe, or just look and make God cry.  (Cityrag)

7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off.  (Cracked)

They’re rare, but they do exist — Hot Female Nerds.  (Uber)

Pamela Anderson still has a smokin’ hot figure.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Simpson’s ass says hello.  It probably should’ve gone to the gym first.  (Egotastic)

Retailers in the UK have started Metallica’s Death Magnetic a day ahead of schedule.  Unfortunately, I live on the opposite side of that big expanse of water.  (Ultimate Guitar)

Jenna Dewan decides a bikini is proper sleeping attire.  Ladies, take note.  (WWTDD)

The 10 Hottest ESPN News Reporters.  Erin Andrews wins any day of the week.  (Uncoached)

The 10 Hottest Female Twins of all time.  (Unibrow)

This is the first I have heard of Farabe Cottingham, which wouldn’t be so tragic if she wasn’t she friggin’ hot.  (Gorillamask)

Oh happy days!  Break has unleashed another gallery.  (Break)

Maxim recycles old Megan Fox photos; no one complains.  (Popoholic)

Gina Gershon does Sarah Palin wearing a bikini that comes with a gun (See: Gina Gershon is hot).  (Funny or Die)

Holly Madison never disappoints.  Especially when she is wearing a shirt that seems to be designed for nipple slips.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Kim Kardashian’s ass is being deployed to the Persian Gulf.  Game, set, and match Iran.  (The Superficial)

Is that Juliana Margulies’ vagina?  The Last Brain Cell’s crack team of scientists is on the case.  First stop, strip club.  (WWTDD)

Oprah presents, Tyler Weaver.  Sweet merciful crap; this kid could beat up the entire state of Vermont.  (Best Week Ever)

The most important election of your lifetime – Maxim Hometown Hotties Finalists (Vote Lolly).  (Maxim)

The 6 Most (Certifiably) Insane Tales of Rock Star Behavior.  (Cracked)

Football and hot chicks, they just go together.  Well, at least they did with these 10 Hot Chicks. (All Balls)

These 10 Serial Killers don’t get nearly the recognition they deserve.  (Ask Men)

If I changed my name to Earl would Nadine Valezquez clean my room?  Naked?  (Popoholic)

Jessica Simpson’s boobs make a good mic stand. (Egotastic)

Elizabeth Hurley can still fill out a dress (See: Cleavage).  (Hollywood Tuna)

Turns out, Jessica Simpson is still really fucking hot when she puts on a bikini.  Who knew?!

Photo: Egotastic

Amid reports that Jessica Simpson’s country music career is already failing, let’s pause for a moment and celebrate the one thing Jessica is really good at; being a really hot blonde with huge tits.  It seems as though the roller coaster of hotness that Jessica rides is currently at the top of a hill (wow, what a metaphor, I should write that down) as she has been looking really good lately.  I wonder if her letting the QB for the Cowboys ravish her vagina every night has anything to do with her keeping up the looks.  You can’t really have the leader of “America’s Team” dating Rosie O’Donnell now can you?

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NOTE: Below are the pictures from the concert Jessica was apparently booed at.  Did I mention she looks phenomenal in Daisy Dukes?

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Photo: Hollywood Tuna

- Bluto -

Unfortunately, Jessica Simpson’s bikini decided to ruin the entire goddamn week by refusing to stay in the closet even though I spent 4 months diagraming how he could entertain himself while Jessica’s boobs saved the entire world.  That is why I think my legislation declaring it a crime against humanity for chicks of Jessica’s hotness intelligence to wear clothes should be pushed through by the noon tomorrow, at the very latest.  The world’s genocides can wait.

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Photo: Celeb Slam

- Bluto -

So Jessica Simpson’s boobs decided to take their cleavage out on the town the other night dressed up in a tight little purple dress type thing something I hate fashion.  It’s clear to me now that we are dealing with some of the brightest minds of our generation when we analyze ze boobs, and I have already named them Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein.  Now, while Edison and Einstein conquer the brassiere world, I will be conquering the fondling of the genitalia world.

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Photo: Hollywood Tuna

- Bluto -