Luckily, it was only a partial attack. Most of the eastern seaboard was able to survive. I can’t even being to fathom the tragedy that would have occurred had it been a full-frontal strike. I fear we would have lost everyone up to Kansas, even with magic sky fairies on their side, and Tokyo would have been left to fend for itself as Godzilla took a heroic stand of, “Fuck that.”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of children’s nightmares.

LG is releasing solar-powered cell phone.  What happens on cloudy days?  (Geekologie)

Here be a list of the goriest video games.  (Gameist)

The most disturbing animals on Earth.  You should probably just kill yourself if you encounter them.  (Atom)

The biggest celebrity pussies.  A stiff wind should do the trick.  (Manofest)

Guess the celebrity sideboob.  (Liquid Generation)

Fergie also fills out a bikini really, really well.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Hayden Panettiere’s vagina is free.  (IDLYITW)

All the Big Macs Lindsay Lohan eats are going straight to her boobs.  (The Superficial)

Behind-the-scenes at Megan Fox’s latest photoshoot.  Is she naked?  Unfortunately, no.  (WWTDD)

A year ago, Lindsay Lohan got plowed (by alcohol, not penis) and jumped into some dudes’ car to chase down her personal assistant.  Turns out, that wasn’t such a good idea.  People reports:

The actress was “angry and aggressive” and the men “felt surprise, shock, fear and panic at Lohan’s surprising and sudden act” of allegedly commandeering a car in which they happened to be sitting to chase her personal assistant through the streets of Santa Monica, according to the lawsuit.
The plaintiffs – Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro – are seeking unspecified damages in the case, filed in Superior Court in Santa Monica.
Lohan’s attorney, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ.com the lawsuit is “absurd.”
“These guys had the night of their lives, playing with the radio and leaving the vehicle at one point and getting back in,” he says.

Allow me to commend this story by saying, “Ahahahahahaha.”  I’m not just laughing at Lindsay for having the intelligence level that a cotton swab could defeat — those three dudes could not come off any more as giant, pussy, bitch, douchebags.  I mean seriously, a drunk, hot, big-titted celebrity gets in your car and you cry like Rosie O’Donnell after the buffet gets closed down.  We all know Lindsay automatically stripped off her clothes just from being in the presence of multiple penises, and you sit there and have the nerve to tell us you were traumatized. Bunch of fairies.

Raise your hand if you saw this coming — Dammit, Jenkins, stop elbowing me in the cornea.  Star reports:

It’s been less than a year since Lindsay Lohan left rehab — but friends and family members are frantic that she’s on the fast track to another drug and alcohol-driven breakdown.
“Lindsay’s been drinking, doing cocaine and causing all-around mayhem for the past few months,” an insider tells Star. “She quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous and has absolutely never taken recovery seriously. She’s gotten progressively worse, and everyone in her life is really scared.”

I wonder if any of the drug cartels have ever thought of using Lindsay as advertisement — “Lindsay Lohan is the greatest party train since John Belushi.  She can drink goddammit Jose!  You weren’t supposed to bring the donkey in until we got to the part about six shots and a gram of white and Lindsay’s bra will be hanging above you all night!  Shit, start from fade-in, and somebody get Juanita a carrot!”  Colombia: professional, classy, and absolutely “no chance” of you getting your nuts blown off for falling beind in certain payments.

I, for one, think this is awesome.  Anytime a hot lesbian springs into existence I’m pretty sure a starving African child gets a billion dollars, or a second helping of maggot-filled mud, I get the two confused.  Anywho, Lindsay certainly is a hot lesbian with an amazing chest region, but, as usual, there is always something that has to ruin the whole goddamn works.  That something is the undead hideousness of Samantha Ronson.  I thought sunlight was supposed to be harmful to vampires, but I see Count Ronson walking around in its glowy goodness every day.  What the shit is that?

Marisa Miller makes friends with Malibu Magazine.  And by friends I mean they take some photos of her looking all hot and bothered.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Miley Cyrus has a 20-year-old boyfriend.  This 20-year-old boyfriend is also a model, so he should be real popular in prison.  (IDLYITW)

Mila Kunis uses a pay phone.  I suddenly have a strong desire to be a pay phone.  (The Superficial)

Ellen Degeneres is the new face of CoverGirl.  Wait, what?  (WWTDD)

These movies don’t give a shit about plot holes.  (Cracked)

Ya know how you bet your friends back in the day that, that child actress would grow into a babe?  Here’s your proof.  (Unibrow)

It’s not secret that politicians are fucking retarded, and here’s 10 of their worst political gaffes.  (Liquid Generation)

Rihanna likes to cover her body in tattoos, which isn’t precisely what I meant when I sent that telegram asking her to cover herself in naked.  (CityRag)

Lindsay Lohan’s boobs are still large, and possibly in charge.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Brooke Hogan dons another bikini.  I don’t know if I should touch myself or unlock the shotgun.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Watch out paparazzi, Lindsay Lohan is throwin’ fists.  (IDLYITW)

Los Angeles County should use Kim Kardashian’s giant ass as a billboard.  (The Superficial)

Pacific Ocean had to be refilled after Jennifer Lopez made it to the swim portion of the Malibu Triathalon.  (WWTDD)

Another Break gallery filled with hot chicks, their boobs, and other stuff you don’t care about.  (Break)

History’s 7 Most Terrifying Romances.  (Cracked)

I’m moving to Hawaii.  Hopefully I shall run into the 10 Hottest Hawaiian Babes of All Time while I am there.  (Unibrow)

Jessica Alba takes her post-pregnancy boobs for stroll.  I move into some nearby bushes.  (Egotastic)

Sophie Monk wears a shirt, and that’s about it.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Hayden Panettiere makes sure her boobs are secure (dammit).  (Egotastic)

Proof that stupid people will eventually remove their genes from the gene pool.  (Break)

Michelle Hunziker is still at the beach.  Also known as: awesome. (The Superficial)

I hereby proclaim Bar Rafaeli the hottest woman alive.  And she’s not even trying.  (WWTDD)

Jennifer Aniston’s eyes are trying to murder me, which is OK as long as the murdering takes place post-coitus.  (dlisted)

Sweet Jesus blowing a chicken Monica Hansen is hot.  (COED)

The 10 hottest Female Politicians of all time.  I will sign any treaty they want. (Unibrow)

Oh my fucking Christ.  I have a friend who would kill every midget in the circus to have this Personal Peanut Butter Machine.  (Geekologie)

Holly Madison would look much better wearing this top hat if she was naked.  I guess nearly naked will have to do.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Hayden Panettiere should wear spandex all the time.  (The Superficial)

According to Michael Lohan, Samantha Ronson (lesbian vampire DJ) is using his daughter’s vagina to catapult herself to fame.  The Sun reports:

MICHAEL LOHAN accuses the DJ of dating his daughter purely to boost her fame, after hearing Sam may pen a ‘tell-all’ book about her life.

Michael said: “I’ve shut up about this long enough. Samantha is using my daughter.

“People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay.

“She was just some Los Angeles DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at my wit’s end with this stuff.

“This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.

Michael also accuses Sam of reintroducing Lindsay to booze, despite the former child star seeking treatment in rehab for her drinking problems.

He told E! Online: “Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse.

“Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam.

Now, while that sounds like a plausible theory seeing as how Samantha was about as well-known as a half-eaten dog biscuit before scissoring Lindsay’s labium,  you must remember that Michael Lohan is insane.  The only reason he would ever bring this up is so someone shoves a microphone in his face, which he hopes will somehow lead to a TV executive thinking, “Hey!  We should give that guy a show!!  I am so fucking smart!!!”

Is classic Lindsay Lohan back?  Are we soon to be awash in a drunken mess of flailing boobs?  Has the lesbian force field of dark evil finally been broken?  Well, no, not really.  Sure, Lindsay stepped outside in a tank top without a bra on, but these pictures are pretty disappointing.  If Lindsay wants us to believe she’s returned to form she should probably just walk around naked for a few years.

Photo: Egotastic