According to my team of Weeble Wobble villagers intelligence officers, Megan Fox is currently engaging in an effort to conquer every country on the planet by simply showing up. It’s a known fact that nobody can resist her unnatural beauty, and whenever she enters a room everyone crumbles into bumbling idiots. No one is safe. That is why I volunteer to single-handily capture Megan Fox and lock the two of us into a secure room until scientists can devise a way to combat her hotness. To ensure our safety, and to lessen any chance of her escape, both of us will be naked at all times. It may get a little chilly in there, and I’ve heard that shared body heat between two individuals can help to stave off hypothermia — that is why physical contact between Megan and myself will be allowed, and possibly encouraged.

Click to see more pictures of Megan Fox’s London invasion.

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[View with PicLens]

It’s nice to see that Megan has taken after one of the greatest geniuses of our time, Heather Graham, and decided that bras are silly. It’s also nice to see that Megan thought that a curtain was a good choice for a dress. I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think it’s possible for her to get any sexier. I know, some of you would say that she could show up to a premiere naked, and while that may sound awesome in theory, according to my research Megan would explode into a supernova and kill us all if she were to get naked. Yes, that sounds like a tremendously awesome way to die, but are you willing to sacrifice the children for a moment of Megan Fox nudity? I am. The sign-up sheet is behind the ‘Honest Joe’s Porn Emporium’.

[View with PicLens]

I’m sure a few of you saw the title of this post and thought that Megan was engaged in some sort of lesbian sexfest with Paris Hilton, but we all know that Megan is classier than that. No, she doesn’t mind kickin’ it with the ladies every now and then, but I’m pretty sure she’s against diving mouth first into a STD-laden toxic waste dump.

And by “sucking” I meant gently nibbling on it, which as it turns out is even sexier. Anywho, I was going to go on a long tangent about how this could be construed into one or more sexual innuendos, but I figured you people are perverted enough to do it yourselves. Also, it’s Friday and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to try today. Now if only my sweatpants would wash themselves.

Of course, all the see-through parts are in exactly the wrong place. Clearly, whoever made that dress was an asshole. But lucky for us, Megan seems to be pulling out all the sexy on the Transformers promotional tour, as evidenced by this post and this post from yesterday. Salute, Megan.

Why the hell did they have this premiere in Japan? How the fuck is Megan supposed to have fun over there — they don’t have big American penis. They should have had it in a place worthy of Megan’s ridiculous gorgeousness. Like, say, for instance, my shed my neighbor’s shed. Harold is gone most of the day, and at night he gets drunk and yells at squirrels, I don’t think he’d mind and/or notice.

Well then. Megan Fox is still the hottest person alive. If you say different I will strike you in the testicles and/or ovaries. Except I will use my penis in my attempted ovary strike. It should be great fun. I’m pretty sure Megan would be up for it, as I can almost guarantee that she would be moisteningly impressed in my ability to run across the yard faster than that chipmunk over there. “That’s right, Carl! Your larger acorn pile don’t mean shit!”

I’m starting to think that Megan Fox isn’t from earth, or at least from America.  Have you seen us Americans?  98% of us are fat, ugly, and ridiculously stupid.  Based on that notion I’m led to believe that Megan is from a far away galaxy, sent here to sex the citizens of earth.  Particularly citizens who write anonymous sites — I,  myself, own a chair — think about that, Megan.

I’m not sure how Esquire managed to fuck this up, but they did.  They had Megan Fox 80% naked, and in bed.  With this overwhelming advantage at hand, they managed to get her to go outside and sit by the pool.  What the shit?  If I was in that situation I probably would’ve squeeled like a school girl and then masturbated in the corner I would’ve bedded Megan like a fearless viking warrior, and then gone outside and wrestled a sabertooth tiger.

I have no idea if there is an actual Megan Fox cleavage marathon taking place, but this, this, and this suggests that there is.  So, we’re just going to pretend that there is, and that we are on mile twelve.  Go Megan!