I think I’m being a little generous by calling that thing a “top”. It pretty much looks like Katie took a net and stretched and cut it a bit, which as you’ve probably already guessed, is one of the best decisions she’s ever made. It’s too bad she stopped the thought process when she did. I think we can all agree that she would’ve done humanity a great service if she would’ve burned that net into ash before putting it on, and also had sex with me for some reason.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Katie’s exemplary decision-making.

Holy fucking walrus penis, when did Anna Paquin become such a freakishly awesome sexbomb? Someone get me an audition for this show. Emmys will come raining down. Granted, the simulated sex scenes may only take up a total of 11 seconds, but I have already devised a solution to that. Prior to the simulated sex scene Anna and I will have actual sex beforehand. That way any excitement I would have had during the filming will be expended during coitus pre-scene. Yes, I am a genius, no I will not do your math homework. My eyes are too round to be that kind of genius.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Anna being my new hero.

Click to see the ridiculously NSFW video of Anna having some sex.

Models from left to right: Eniko Mihalik, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Catherine M, Abby Lee, Daisy Lowe, Gracie C, Marloes Horst, Lily Cole, Ana Beatriz Barros, Miranda Kerr, Georgina Stojilkovic

This is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have ever seen. Long have I dreamed of a scenario where a bunch of supermodels are frolicking naked on a beach, and now it’s finally happened. I fucking love you Italy. I’m going to use your Mafia connections to buy you a golden gelato factory. As long as I get free gelato — that shit is delicious. Anywho, I can’t even begin to count how many orphaned newborns I would kill to be that photographer. Sure, all of the photographs would come out blurry because I’d be stabilizing the camera with one hand, but I’m pretty sure everyone will be fine with that after they realized how awesome my life was at that moment.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of this being the greatest thing ever. Also, see if you can spot the hypocrisy I highlighted in pic 6.

Click here to see the NSFW corresponding video. If you thought the pictures were awesome, wait until you see the moving pictures.

Luckily, it was only a partial attack. Most of the eastern seaboard was able to survive. I can’t even being to fathom the tragedy that would have occurred had it been a full-frontal strike. I fear we would have lost everyone up to Kansas, even with magic sky fairies on their side, and Tokyo would have been left to fend for itself as Godzilla took a heroic stand of, “Fuck that.”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of children’s nightmares.

I was going to post some pictures that were less sexy than these to provide some sort of counterpoint, but as it turns out, I would rather have my penis funneled by a decomposing hippopotamus than stick it in 2007-era Britney. Why couldn’t this have happened in 2001?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Britney Spears insanity.

At this point, I don’t even know why Lily tries to wear a top. Her boobs are like great heroes, always looking for a way out of the oppression all great heroes face, or something. I’m not entirely sure if my heroic story of Lily’s Houdini-like tits will rank up there with the Iliad, but what is certain is that I should get reverse cowgirl by our first date, at the latest.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Lily Allen not giving a shit and everybody winning.

Doesn’t Lily Allen seem like she’s just one big bundle of awesome? She’s already from the UK — the greatest place on earth, which someone should lend me some money to move to — and she doesn’t seem to have any qualms about nudity, which bodes well for my plan of lots and lots of sex. I should write military strategies.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Lily Allen being awesome.

According to Candice Swanepoel’s wikipedia bio, that I may or may not have paid an illegal Mexican immigrant midget to read, Candice is a delicious burrito.  Hm.  Dammit, Manuel!  What did I tell you?  English, learn it.  Fuck, where am I supposed to turn to for help if I can’t rely on illegal immigrants who can’t reach the cookie jar?  Anywho, according to Candice Swanepoel’s wikipedia bio, that I may or may not have paid an illegal Kazakh immigrant hooker to read, Candice’s vazhin bring in many tenge.  Goddammit.  She’s a Victoria’s Secret model.  Listen here, you useless pustules…

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Victoria’s Secret continuing to be the most awesome thing ever.

I should probably just tell you now that I watched this video on mute, and fast-forwarded to the naked boobies part — so I have no idea what is going on.  Other than Amber Heard is having the not awesome kind of threesome.  If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s that Hollywood should never film a threesome without two or more vaginas.  Also, Amber Heard should probably seductively dance topless in every movie she’s in, because, goddamn.

NOTE: Click the link below to view Amber Heard being all kinds of naked awesome.  The video is absolutely NSFW, so don’t even try it.  Unless your boss is blind.  Then you should buy some extra Kleenex.

Amber Heard Nude Video from The Informers – The most amazing bloopers are here

I’ve got two questions concerning this post of Daisy Lowe being all hot and naked and whatnot:

1. Who knew that the offspring resulting from a one-night stand between Gavin Rossdale and some lady would end up being so damn hot?

2. Is every chick in the United Kingdom super hot with big boobs?  If so, what’s the rates on apartments around there?

Pics links to NSFW versions of the United Kingom being the country I’m going to move to.