Holy fucking walrus penis, when did Anna Paquin become such a freakishly awesome sexbomb? Someone get me an audition for this show. Emmys will come raining down. Granted, the simulated sex scenes may only take up a total of 11 seconds, but I have already devised a solution to that. Prior to the simulated sex scene Anna and I will have actual sex beforehand. That way any excitement I would have had during the filming will be expended during coitus pre-scene. Yes, I am a genius, no I will not do your math homework. My eyes are too round to be that kind of genius.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Anna being my new hero.

Click to see the ridiculously NSFW video of Anna having some sex.

Models from left to right: Eniko Mihalik, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Catherine M, Abby Lee, Daisy Lowe, Gracie C, Marloes Horst, Lily Cole, Ana Beatriz Barros, Miranda Kerr, Georgina Stojilkovic

This is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have ever seen. Long have I dreamed of a scenario where a bunch of supermodels are frolicking naked on a beach, and now it’s finally happened. I fucking love you Italy. I’m going to use your Mafia connections to buy you a golden gelato factory. As long as I get free gelato — that shit is delicious. Anywho, I can’t even begin to count how many orphaned newborns I would kill to be that photographer. Sure, all of the photographs would come out blurry because I’d be stabilizing the camera with one hand, but I’m pretty sure everyone will be fine with that after they realized how awesome my life was at that moment.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of this being the greatest thing ever. Also, see if you can spot the hypocrisy I highlighted in pic 6.

Click here to see the NSFW corresponding video. If you thought the pictures were awesome, wait until you see the moving pictures.

Holy Jesus fucking Christ on a stick. Someone needs to marry this chick and then dump her so she has something new to obsess over. I volunteer under the stipulation that she is always naked. If, god forbid, she has to leave the bedroom she must wear a skin-tight dress with her boobs pushed up to her chin, for instance — oh, I added her GQ pics so you can fully appreciate my nudity clause:

So, there’s a magazine that has photos of naked supermodels and it’s called Photo magazine? Dammit. I am definitely on the wrong side of this post. This is why you need to work for these places rather than attempt to make fun of them. While I’m sitting here firing up my overindulged imagination, some jackass is sitting around with his dick in hand sorting through the real life mental image of Gisele Bundchen naked. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that Tom Brady is actually sexing this and not that terrorist photographer (check it, FBI)… Fuck you, Tom Brady. You asshole.

Ya ever notice how chicks always seem to get naked when they want to call attention to a cause? Has there ever been a greater stroke of genius? Eat shit, E=mc². I don’t know who the Einsteins (see what I did there? I am s-m-r-t!) are that run the Australian version of Rolling Stone, but they should be given all of the bailout money. I was already a supporter of environmental causes, but because of a naked Miranda Kerr chained to a tree, I’m going to disembowel the entire board of ExxonMobil for being such reckless asshats and siphoning all of the money out of my wallet. What? I have to drive a car sometimes. The Scooty Puff Jr. can’t outrun the cops when I’m driving home from the strip club with half of their liquor navigating its way through my liver, and Cinnamon Bunns thrusting my pelvic region for $5.95 a minute.

Earlier I said that Megan Fox is the hottest person alive, but after viewing these ridiculously awesome Bar Refaeli pics I may have to change my tune. My penis and I sat down and had a long talk about this conundrum, and we agreed that the only way to solve this definitively is for Megan, Bar, my penis, and myself to engage in vigorous talks in my bed. Somebody needs to notify the UN so they can get a resolution in the works. Also, someone needs to go firebomb Esquire headquarters for fucking up Bar Refaeli voluntarily getting naked. You aim the Hubble Telescope at that miracle of awesome, not write all over it. Douches.

I should probably just tell you now that I watched this video on mute, and fast-forwarded to the naked boobies part — so I have no idea what is going on.  Other than Amber Heard is having the not awesome kind of threesome.  If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s that Hollywood should never film a threesome without two or more vaginas.  Also, Amber Heard should probably seductively dance topless in every movie she’s in, because, goddamn.

NOTE: Click the link below to view Amber Heard being all kinds of naked awesome.  The video is absolutely NSFW, so don’t even try it.  Unless your boss is blind.  Then you should buy some extra Kleenex.

Amber Heard Nude Video from The Informers – The most amazing bloopers are here

I’ve got two questions concerning this post of Daisy Lowe being all hot and naked and whatnot:

1. Who knew that the offspring resulting from a one-night stand between Gavin Rossdale and some lady would end up being so damn hot?

2. Is every chick in the United Kingdom super hot with big boobs?  If so, what’s the rates on apartments around there?

Pics links to NSFW versions of the United Kingom being the country I’m going to move to.

The post directly below this one reminded me of how unbelievably sexy Olga Kurylenko is.  And then I remembered how that sexiness is amplified by about a thousand times the mass of the Sun when she isn’t wearing clothes.  Enjoy.

Pics link to NSFW versions of Ukranian awesomeness.

Of course, Sophie never gives us a glimpse of her treasured area, and I for one wont stand for it!  If Sophie wants to get my attention, she has to…  um…  hm…  Damn, those are some awesome boobs.  Well played, Ms. Howard.  You are a worthy opponent.

Click the link below to view the NSFW video of Sophie teasing the everlasting crap out of us.