Angelina Jolie continued to repopulate the entire Western Hemisphere by giving birth to twins, a boy and a girl, Saturday night by way of a caesarian section in Nice, France.  Rueters reports:

Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, her doctor at a hospital in southern France said on Sunday.

Oscar winner Jolie, 33, had the twins by caesarean section on Saturday evening at the Lenval hospital on the glamorous Promenade des Anglais waterfront drive in Nice. Actor Brad Pitt, the twins’ father, was believed to be at her side.

The girl, named Vivienne Marcheline, weighed 2.27 kg (5.0 lbs) while her brother, Knox Leon, weighed an almost identical 2.28 kg, according to Jolie’s doctor, Michel Sussmann.

“The parents and the babies are in excellent health. Everything is fine,” Sussmann told Reuters. He said the c-section had been planned for a long time but the date was brought forward “for medical reasons”.

Well it’s about friggin’ time.  Based on the schedule that I have absolutely not been keeping Angelina has been pregnant for like 66 years.  I’m not entirely sure, but I think her news of being pregnant was bumped off the top story by the bombing of Pearl Harbor.  Also, there is some sad news to go along with this joyous event; Angelina will no longer be “suffering” from her magnificient case of “Pregnant Boobs Syndrome.”  ‘Tis a shame.  Anywho, congrats to Brad & Angelina and their entire three-ring circus of a brood.

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So I decided to start my Fourth of July vacation early and end it late, so it turns out that I’m a little behind on the stuff that Hollywood reporters try to pass off as real news.  One of those “stories” just happened to be Ashlee Simpson taking the milk sacs out for another stroll.  I can’t say for sure this was Ashlee’s way of celebrating America’s emergence from the womb, but my spy satellites tell me the terrorists are now only holding one gun instead of two.

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Photo: Egotastic

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According to some people from Frace, Angelina is or will soon give birth to twin girls.  Someone start the 18 year countdown.  The AP reports:

The seafront Lenval hospital in Nice in the south of France said Tuesday that Angelina Jolie had checked in at its Santa Maria maternity clinic to be kept under doctors’ surveillance and get some rest before she gives birth.

“There’s no urgency. It’s been planned for a long time,” said Nadine Bauer, a hospital spokeswoman. “She’s very well. Everything is fine.”

“She is not on the verge of giving birth, not at all,” she said. “It’s not for right away.”

The 33-year-old actress will almost certainly remain in the hospital until she gives birth, Bauer said.

Well it’s about friggin’ time.  Angelina has been pregnant for like 16 months, which lead me to believe that she was part elephant, but as it turns out, she is just a normal woman who happens to have the greatest genes ever.  Also, what the shit did that dude mean when he said Angelina would remain in the hospital until she gave birth?  Isn’t that obvious?  It’s not like we were expecting her to compete in a triathlon with a stomach full of human.

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Pregnant boobs syndrome has struck again. And how. Ashlee Simpson decided to take her boobs out for a stroll the other day and I for one fully support the walking of large chests. But my friends, the best has yet to come. Seeing as how Jessica Simpson is a needly little attention whore I predict that the Simpson sisters will engage in an epic battle of “My chest is more boobalicious than your chest,” and it won’t be long before we see one or both of them walking around topless to make their case. Hallefuckinglujah. You know what else is going to be engaging in an epic struggle as a result of this chesticular battle of the ages? Joe Simpson’s hand and penis.

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Photo: Egotastic

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Jessica Alba and her son of a bitch husband welcomed a baby girl, Honor Marie Warren, late Saturday night in Los Angeles.  Us reports:

Honor Marie Warren was born Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Alba’s father was overheard saying “she’s beautiful.” Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday.

Alba, 26, and Warren, 28, announced they were expecting last December.

Honor?  Alright then.  Well, congratulations to Mrs. Alba and her healthy baby who will be the desire of every man on the planet in 18 years should Cash Warsonofabitchren’s seed hold up to Alba’s spectacular genes.  Congratulations are not in order for said son of a bitch as he is still responsible for taking away the carefree, more than likely wild as all hell in the sack Jessica Alba, and transforming her into the calm, motherly role she will now fulfill.  What a selfish asshole.  Luckily, he gets to look forward to chasing every man in the Union down the street with a shotgun in about two decades.

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This penny is awesome.  People:

Newlyweds Ashlee and Pete Wentz have confirmed that they are expecting their first child.

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child,” they wrote on Wentz’s site, friendsorenemies.com. “This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

I would just like to reiterate how awesome this penny is.  Also, this kid is going to be a douchebag with the talent potential of a retarded squirrel.

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In what turns out to be very depressing to me, Brad Pitt has impregnated Angelina Jolie with twins and has caused me to buy a sniper rifle. People reports:

This time around will be double the pleasure for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who are expecting twins.

Jack Black let the news slip while doing a joint-interview with Jolie in Cannes to promote their movie, Kung Fu Panda. “You’re gonna have as many as [the] Brady Bunch when you have these,” he said during the chat with Today show’s Natalie Morales.

Asked by Morales if she is indeed having twins, Jolie replied, “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already. Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

The children will be the fifth and sixth for the Jolie and Pitt. The family currently consists of Maddox, 6; Pax, 4; Zahara, 3; and Shiloh, who turns 2 this month.

Ok, seriously, Brad Pitt needs to knock it the fuck off. I think he’s a good actor and enjoy his movies as do a lot of other people. So there’s one thing he has got going for him. For the past 10-15 or so years he’s also been the one man women wouldn’t think twice about throwing their vagina at his crotch while visiting the Pope. And now he is having his second and third biological child with Angelina Jolie, the one woman men wouldn’t think twice about robbing Fort Knox while holding the President hostage if she asked them to while laying on their bed naked. in fact, if I came home to find Angelina Jolie naked on my bed I would round up every orphan being chased by demon Tigers in India’s haunted jungles on the off chance that she would be impressed and let me touch her boob.

Speaking of her boobies, did anyone else notice how awesome her nipple holsters become when she’s infiltrated by sperm? So, now we have a conundrum:

A) Let Brad Pitt continue to Hank Aaron Angelina’s vagina

B) Brainstorm a diabolical scheme to remove Mr. Pitt but risk losing his movies and Angelina pregnant boobs

Hmm…… I must ponder, get me my pipe, flat cap, and bifocals.

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Jessica Alba went out to eat at some restaurant in some city on what I assume is planet Earth; I don’t know, that’s not important. What is important is that Jessica Alba is pregnant and that of course means she has one of the greatest cases of “Pregnant Boobs Syndrome” ever, and as you may or may not already know “Pregnant Boobs Syndrome” is the single greatest syndrome to ever evolve. What makes this even more masturbation-worthy exciting is that Alba decided to restrain the twins behind only a thin layer of cloth, sans bra. That is pretty much the greatest idea she’s ever had. Her massive sentries of Mammary Mountain are exceptional. Early summer may mark the first time that I’ve ever been jealous of a baby.

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Photo: Splash News

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