Well that didn’t take long. People:

The Girls Next Door E! reality star told E! News’s Marc Malkin, “Hank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child together. We are touched by the outpouring of support by our family, friends and fans.”
Wilkinson even went so far as to tell PEOPLE that she and Baskett, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, were already working on names.
“My first initial is K and my middle name is Leigh, so we were thinking of Kaleigh,” she said. “And he’s Hank Baskett III, so of course I’m going to have a Hank Baskett IV!”

This kid’s life is going to be full of confusing ridicule:
“Hey mom, I saw you naked on the interwebs last night. What’s the deal?”
“Um… well… you see… *Flashes tits*
“K. I’m going to go masturbate about something that is definitely not those.”

Then of course the next day at school:
“Hey, douche. I saw your mom’s rockin’ tits last night.”
“Yea… Me too.”
“Haha, dude you’re such a fag. *Wedgie* “Football!”

They really have to stop making these titles sound so awesome.  This story was a complete let down.  People reports:

Pregnant Gillian Anderson gave the audience quite a scare Wednesday night, when she lost her balance and fell to the floor at the London premiere of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.

Anderson, 40, then went on stage, in a floor-grazing Alice Temperley dress, and threw a fake punch at Weide. But she lost her balance and ended up falling to the ground, drawing gasps from the crowd at the Empire Leicester Square.

Weide reassured the audience that the 40-year-old actress – who is expecting her third child – was fine. “Is there a lawyer in the house?” he quipped.

I was totally expecting the local fire brigade to swing in on some fancy chandeliers and whisk Ms. Anderson off to the local hospital.  Either that or have the baby be popped out like a cork and land in one of the tubas.  Dramatic action plus comedy, you can’t go wrong.  Especially if a lion were to pop out and rip Bar Rafaeli’s clothes off who just happened to be running across the stage for no reason whatsoholy crap that chipmunk is huge.  Hide the acorns!  Alrighty then, catastrophe averted.  What was I talking about again?  Bran flakes?  Well that’s stupid.

That’s going to be an awkward conversation in 12 years.  The Sun reports:

The X-rated actress revealed she was pregnant in August but only recently discovered she is expecting TWO new arrivals.

Jenna and UFC fighter boyfriend TITO ORTIZ are reportedly looking to buy a larger pad in LA to accommodate their growing family.

“Mommy, I saw a video the other day.”

…”Shit.”

Angelina Jolie continued to repopulate the entire Western Hemisphere by giving birth to twins, a boy and a girl, Saturday night by way of a caesarian section in Nice, France.  Rueters reports:

Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, her doctor at a hospital in southern France said on Sunday.

Oscar winner Jolie, 33, had the twins by caesarean section on Saturday evening at the Lenval hospital on the glamorous Promenade des Anglais waterfront drive in Nice. Actor Brad Pitt, the twins’ father, was believed to be at her side.

The girl, named Vivienne Marcheline, weighed 2.27 kg (5.0 lbs) while her brother, Knox Leon, weighed an almost identical 2.28 kg, according to Jolie’s doctor, Michel Sussmann.

“The parents and the babies are in excellent health. Everything is fine,” Sussmann told Reuters. He said the c-section had been planned for a long time but the date was brought forward “for medical reasons”.

Well it’s about friggin’ time.  Based on the schedule that I have absolutely not been keeping Angelina has been pregnant for like 66 years.  I’m not entirely sure, but I think her news of being pregnant was bumped off the top story by the bombing of Pearl Harbor.  Also, there is some sad news to go along with this joyous event; Angelina will no longer be “suffering” from her magnificient case of “Pregnant Boobs Syndrome.”  ‘Tis a shame.  Anywho, congrats to Brad & Angelina and their entire three-ring circus of a brood.

- Bluto -

The child will be the first of its kind – and recent X-rays show that it will have four arms, three legs, and various other appendages that are not normally found on humans, but are seen on some insects. Dr. Lipton Porter, Obstetrician and founder of ‘Let’s Make a Baby’ said on record Tuesday that “It would be a remarkable event and hopes that [he] can deliver the miracle baby.” However, due to the fact that Schneider is harboring this abomination somewhere in his abdomen, and lacks anything to actually give birth with, it will be done through cesarean.

Not all are pleased by these developments. Amy Winehouse refused to comment, however a purple tentacle did comment saying that “it was very proud” before Amy shoved it back into her clothing. Furthermore some religious groups are outraged, foremost being the Westboro Baptist Church. Leader of the Church, and all renowned holy-man, notorious for his protests at the funerals of dead American Servicemen released a statement saying that “God hates Rob Schneider, and God hates Amy Winehouse. Kill it with fire.” Pope Benedict the Five Billionth also released a statement – however it was written with coffee beans and could not be read. When offered Crayons to write a new statement he preferred to hide them under his hat.

You read it here first: Rob Schneider Pregnant.

Tags: Cleavage, Brain, Celebrity, Cell, Slaves to Celebrity, Breasts, Boobs, Braincell Media, Hollywood is Insane, Braincell

So I decided to start my Fourth of July vacation early and end it late, so it turns out that I’m a little behind on the stuff that Hollywood reporters try to pass off as real news.  One of those “stories” just happened to be Ashlee Simpson taking the milk sacs out for another stroll.  I can’t say for sure this was Ashlee’s way of celebrating America’s emergence from the womb, but my spy satellites tell me the terrorists are now only holding one gun instead of two.

[View with PicLens]

Photo: Egotastic

- Bluto -

Pregnant boobs syndrome has struck again. And how. Ashlee Simpson decided to take her boobs out for a stroll the other day and I for one fully support the walking of large chests. But my friends, the best has yet to come. Seeing as how Jessica Simpson is a needly little attention whore I predict that the Simpson sisters will engage in an epic battle of “My chest is more boobalicious than your chest,” and it won’t be long before we see one or both of them walking around topless to make their case. Hallefuckinglujah. You know what else is going to be engaging in an epic struggle as a result of this chesticular battle of the ages? Joe Simpson’s hand and penis.

[View with PicLens]

Photo: Egotastic

- Bluto -

Jessica Alba and her son of a bitch husband welcomed a baby girl, Honor Marie Warren, late Saturday night in Los Angeles.  Us reports:

Honor Marie Warren was born Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Alba’s father was overheard saying “she’s beautiful.” Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday.

Alba, 26, and Warren, 28, announced they were expecting last December.

Honor?  Alright then.  Well, congratulations to Mrs. Alba and her healthy baby who will be the desire of every man on the planet in 18 years should Cash Warsonofabitchren’s seed hold up to Alba’s spectacular genes.  Congratulations are not in order for said son of a bitch as he is still responsible for taking away the carefree, more than likely wild as all hell in the sack Jessica Alba, and transforming her into the calm, motherly role she will now fulfill.  What a selfish asshole.  Luckily, he gets to look forward to chasing every man in the Union down the street with a shotgun in about two decades.

- Bluto -

This penny is awesome.  People:

Newlyweds Ashlee and Pete Wentz have confirmed that they are expecting their first child.

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child,” they wrote on Wentz’s site, friendsorenemies.com. “This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

I would just like to reiterate how awesome this penny is.  Also, this kid is going to be a douchebag with the talent potential of a retarded squirrel.

- Bluto -

In what turns out to be very depressing to me, Brad Pitt has impregnated Angelina Jolie with twins and has caused me to buy a sniper rifle. People reports:

This time around will be double the pleasure for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who are expecting twins.

Jack Black let the news slip while doing a joint-interview with Jolie in Cannes to promote their movie, Kung Fu Panda. “You’re gonna have as many as [the] Brady Bunch when you have these,” he said during the chat with Today show’s Natalie Morales.

Asked by Morales if she is indeed having twins, Jolie replied, “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already. Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

The children will be the fifth and sixth for the Jolie and Pitt. The family currently consists of Maddox, 6; Pax, 4; Zahara, 3; and Shiloh, who turns 2 this month.

Ok, seriously, Brad Pitt needs to knock it the fuck off. I think he’s a good actor and enjoy his movies as do a lot of other people. So there’s one thing he has got going for him. For the past 10-15 or so years he’s also been the one man women wouldn’t think twice about throwing their vagina at his crotch while visiting the Pope. And now he is having his second and third biological child with Angelina Jolie, the one woman men wouldn’t think twice about robbing Fort Knox while holding the President hostage if she asked them to while laying on their bed naked. in fact, if I came home to find Angelina Jolie naked on my bed I would round up every orphan being chased by demon Tigers in India’s haunted jungles on the off chance that she would be impressed and let me touch her boob.

Speaking of her boobies, did anyone else notice how awesome her nipple holsters become when she’s infiltrated by sperm? So, now we have a conundrum:

A) Let Brad Pitt continue to Hank Aaron Angelina’s vagina

B) Brainstorm a diabolical scheme to remove Mr. Pitt but risk losing his movies and Angelina pregnant boobs

Hmm…… I must ponder, get me my pipe, flat cap, and bifocals.

- Bluto -