According to my team of Weeble Wobble villagers intelligence officers, Megan Fox is currently engaging in an effort to conquer every country on the planet by simply showing up. It’s a known fact that nobody can resist her unnatural beauty, and whenever she enters a room everyone crumbles into bumbling idiots. No one is safe. That is why I volunteer to single-handily capture Megan Fox and lock the two of us into a secure room until scientists can devise a way to combat her hotness. To ensure our safety, and to lessen any chance of her escape, both of us will be naked at all times. It may get a little chilly in there, and I’ve heard that shared body heat between two individuals can help to stave off hypothermia — that is why physical contact between Megan and myself will be allowed, and possibly encouraged.

Click to see more pictures of Megan Fox’s London invasion.

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It’s nice to see that Megan has taken after one of the greatest geniuses of our time, Heather Graham, and decided that bras are silly. It’s also nice to see that Megan thought that a curtain was a good choice for a dress. I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think it’s possible for her to get any sexier. I know, some of you would say that she could show up to a premiere naked, and while that may sound awesome in theory, according to my research Megan would explode into a supernova and kill us all if she were to get naked. Yes, that sounds like a tremendously awesome way to die, but are you willing to sacrifice the children for a moment of Megan Fox nudity? I am. The sign-up sheet is behind the ‘Honest Joe’s Porn Emporium’.

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I’m sure a few of you saw the title of this post and thought that Megan was engaged in some sort of lesbian sexfest with Paris Hilton, but we all know that Megan is classier than that. No, she doesn’t mind kickin’ it with the ladies every now and then, but I’m pretty sure she’s against diving mouth first into a STD-laden toxic waste dump.

And by “sucking” I meant gently nibbling on it, which as it turns out is even sexier. Anywho, I was going to go on a long tangent about how this could be construed into one or more sexual innuendos, but I figured you people are perverted enough to do it yourselves. Also, it’s Friday and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to try today. Now if only my sweatpants would wash themselves.

Damn, Heather needs to make more movies. If things keep going this route she should be naked by her third premiere. Also, if that diagram I sent to her publicist works out, Heather should be in my room by midnight. The post office man said I was a jackass because I had written everything in crayon, but people like pretty colors. Especially females. And they are especially impressed when you color inside the lines.

Why the hell did they have this premiere in Japan? How the fuck is Megan supposed to have fun over there — they don’t have big American penis. They should have had it in a place worthy of Megan’s ridiculous gorgeousness. Like, say, for instance, my shed my neighbor’s shed. Harold is gone most of the day, and at night he gets drunk and yells at squirrels, I don’t think he’d mind and/or notice.

Heather Graham is easily the hottest hippie since hippies went extinct, and here her and her boobs are at “The Hangover” premiere to defend their title. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the premiere to officially award Heather her title. The asshole security detail said that because I wasn’t invited, and was naked, I wouldn’t be allowed entry. Then another one quickly quipped, “That’s what she said,” and pointed at me and laughed. I think he was referring to my status as a notorious lothario, but I feel as though he could have laughed less. Especially after he pushed me into the mud. I’m pretty sure Heather was impressed.

The Jonas Brothers attended the London premiere of one of their awful Disney movies last night and after being repeatedly questioned about Russell Brand’s bitch-slapping of them at the VMAs they apparently had an explosion of estrogen-fueled anger.  The Sun reports:

They are, in fact, capable of losing their rags like the rest of us – as they demonstrated at the London premiere of their movie Camp Rock last night.

The boys faced a barrage of questions over RUSSELL BRAND’s treatment of them at Sunday’s MTV VMA awards.

NICK said: “He knows we’re gentlemen. Of course we’re not offended. Why, are you? If you find it offensive, that’s a different thing. But we don’t.”

Holy crap did that story suck.  I was expecting to read about them getting into a catfight with some red carpet reporter, not Nick coming off like a complete pussy, and let’s not even get into how they are the worst thing to happen to music.  Fuck you Disney.

In a related story, I was reading the comment section on an article about today’s music scene and some douche of epic proportions said that the Jonas Brothers were the next Beatles.  I spent the next seven weeks trying to invent a machine that would allow you to strangle someone through a computer screen.