I should let you know that I watched this video on mute, so I have no idea if this is the actual song in the video, but I can assure you that I do not give a shit.  Kanye West sucks, and Rihanna is dancing around with her boobs one gyration away from falling all over the screen.  This video could’ve been Rihanna dancing to a police siren mixed in with a bunch of burning kittens and it would’ve been just as awesome.

You’re right, Chris Brown, you’re not a monster, as monsters only exist in fairy tales like the Bible.  You are just a general all-around piece of shit who beats women.  Now, I imagine it was a hectic moment when Rihanna (so goddamn hot.  NSFW) mercilessly through your cell phone — that you can afford to buy 7,000 more of — out of the window.  And I realize that in your idiotic mind, beating the shit out of Rihanna seemed like the appropriate response, but I think you should make yourself aware of the fact you are an adult (supposedly), and all she did was throw your phone out the window.  You may as well have been 7-years-old and stamping your feet next to the swing-set after she stole your lollipop.  You jackass.

Los Angeles prosecutors let Chris Brown know that he isn’t nearly famous enough to get away with beating the shit out of your girlfriend, and then threatening to kill her.  Us:

He is facing assault by means likely to create great bodily injury and criminal threats.
If convicted, he faces four years and eight months in state prison.
He will be arraigned today at 3:30 p.m.
The first count claims that he “who did willfully and unlawfully commit an assault on Robin F [Rihanna] by means of force likely to produce great bodily injury.”
The second count of criminal threats states that Brown “unlawfully threatened to commit a crime with which would result in death and great bodily injury to Robin F. with the specific intent that the statement be taken as a threat. It is further alleged that the threatened crime on its face value and under its circumstances in which it was made was so unequivocally and unconditional and specific to convey to Robin F a gravity of purpose and an immediate prospect of execution. It is further alleged that the said Robin F was reasonably in sustained fear of his/she safety and the safety of his/her immediate family.”

That’s awesome.  Of course, there is a 100% chance that Chris wont spend anytime in prison since this happened in LA, but at least the “justice system” there is at least making an effort.

To celebrate that minute possibility that Chris Brown will become the prison’s new favorite toy, here are some pictures to remind you of how hot the woman he doesn’t deserve is.

Part 1, but don’t let that get you down — part 2 is even more depressing.  TMZ:

TMZ has obtained LAPD detectives notes from a search warrant in the case. According to the notes, Rihanna read a three-page text message on Brown’s phone from a woman. An argument ensued and Brown allegedly tried forcing Rihanna out of the car but couldn’t because she was wearing her seat belt.
Brown then allegedly shoved Rihanna’s head against the passenger window. When Rihanna turned to face him, Brown punched her, then continued punching her while driving, according to the detective’s notes.
Blood spattered all over Rihanna’s clothing and in the interior of the car. Her mouth was filled with blood.
Brown allegedly told Rihanna, “I’m going to beat the **** out of you when we get home. You wait and see.”
Rihanna called her assistant and left a message saying, “I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.”
Brown then replied, “You just did the stupidest thing ever. I’m going to kill you.”
According to the report, Brown continued to punch Rihanna, bit her on her ear, her fingers and put her in a headlock — she almost lost consciousness.

OK, I feel bad for Rihanna again.  She may have the mental capacity of a retarded dolphin with its head stuck in an inner-tube, but she didn’t deserve that.  Is it too much to ask that we slather Chris Brown in BBQ sauce and introduce him to the tigers at the San Diego Zoo?

If you were feeling any pity towards Rihanna for getting the shit kicked out of her by her “boyfriend”, you can go ahead and stop now. TMZ:

LAPD cops interviewed Rihanna after the attack and she told them Brown had been violent toward her in the past and that the attacks were getting “more violent” as time went on. The interview is potent evidence if the L.A. County D.A. charges Brown with felony domestic battery, and that could happen as early as today.

Oh, wait, the fairytale gets better. National Enquirer:

”Rihanna was applying makeup to her right eye, which I noticed looked puffy and discolored. Her friend said, ‘You’re eye looks [EXPLETIVE] up! He’s an [EXPLETIVE]! Why do you put up with him and let him hit you?’
“Rihanna told her, ‘It’s not his fault. When he hurts me, he’s a beast, but then he turns into my angel … He’ll hit me and then feel bad afterwards, but then he turns into the sweetest man and becomes my angel. He’ll cry like a little baby when he makes it up to me, and that’s the part I love.’”

Apparently, no one ever told Captain Moron that you are not supposed to jump into the water around Seal Island if you are covered in blood and chum.  Seriously, how dumb is this chick?  If you shoot yourself in the leg you don’t keep shooting yourself in the hopes that your first wound heals.  If your “boyfriend” beats the shit out of you, you don’t turn around and have sex with him because he’s all sunshine and rainbow kisses when his penis is inside of you.  What you do is get your brothers to break his fucking skull and find a new penis to play around with.  Idiot.

According to TMZ, this is the authentic image of Rhianna after the beating given to her by Chris Brown.  If you look, you can see a part of the shoulder tattoo which also exists in images previously shown here on TLBC thanks to the efforts of Lee.  However in his drunken state he has forgotten to post the links to where he got them, so on behalf of his half-passed out corpse over the toilet bowl, we say sorry.

Anyways… now for my questions of the day:  What the fuck?  Really?  I mean, supposing that TMZ is correct (I’m going to go ahead and throw caution and credibility to the wind and just say I think it might be authentic) what the fuck Chris Brown?  You have one hot goddamn lady, she’s rich, and talented, and you beat the shit out of her?  The fuck? You have to be out of your mind, and I mean so far out of your mind it is best to lock you up for 90 years, to even contemplate, even lift a finger like that.  What in the holy hell is wrong with you?

As if negative stereotyping against men wasn’t bad enough, assuming that the picture is legitimate, you just created 10 Hallmark movies about evil men beating women.  Thanks.  Thanks a whole goddamn lot, so in addition to ruining everything in your life, beating a woman, and pillaging your entire livelihood you have spawned more anti-male attitudes and agendas than Bobby Brown could have ever hoped for.  Are you two related?

This is seriously ridiculous.  No amount of therapy or sorry could, assuming again that this is the picture, make up for some dickish move like what I am looking at here.  This is the kind of shit I advocate throwing rocks off a cliff attached to ballsacks as punishment for.  Christ.

If we have any faithful readers, they will understand that we here at The Last Brain Cell actually do like women.  We like women more than Ellen DeGeneres.  So… fuck you Chris Brown  – again, assuming that the image is authentic.

UPDATE: Image appears to be authentic.  Chris Brown needs to be raped by wild boars covered in pepper sauce.

It’s been a tough week for Rihanna, so I think we should take some time to celebrate her ample breasts.  Ya know, to help us ogle her cope.

A real-life Death Star would bankrupt the entire galaxy.  (Geekologie)

Rihanna’s legs are looking mighty fine.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Kristen Stewart looks like hell.  (IDLYITW)

Ashley Judd doesn’t agree with Sarah Palin “hunting” wolves from a goddamn helicopter.  (The Superficial)

Robert Plant explains why Zeppelin won’t be banging groupies around the world.  (Ultimate Guitar)

The 47 sexiest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models of all-time.  I will fight anyone to the death who doesn’t say Marisa Miller.  (COED)

Ah, Google Maps, thank you for capturing these great moments.  (urlesque)

The world’s largest boobs come in at a stupifying — and slightly racist — 38KKK.  (Asylum)

A couple hundred photos of WWE Divas. Reminding us that even though professional wrestling is mind-numbingly stupid…  Hm…  Yep, don’t know where I was going with that.  (Manofest)

Marisa Miller makes friends with Malibu Magazine.  And by friends I mean they take some photos of her looking all hot and bothered.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Miley Cyrus has a 20-year-old boyfriend.  This 20-year-old boyfriend is also a model, so he should be real popular in prison.  (IDLYITW)

Mila Kunis uses a pay phone.  I suddenly have a strong desire to be a pay phone.  (The Superficial)

Ellen Degeneres is the new face of CoverGirl.  Wait, what?  (WWTDD)

These movies don’t give a shit about plot holes.  (Cracked)

Ya know how you bet your friends back in the day that, that child actress would grow into a babe?  Here’s your proof.  (Unibrow)

It’s not secret that politicians are fucking retarded, and here’s 10 of their worst political gaffes.  (Liquid Generation)

Rihanna likes to cover her body in tattoos, which isn’t precisely what I meant when I sent that telegram asking her to cover herself in naked.  (CityRag)

Lindsay Lohan’s boobs are still large, and possibly in charge.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Rihanna decided to go to the clubs in NYC last night, and like any wholesome young adult she did so while wearing a see-through top, sans bra.  If there is anything our young ladies of legal age should idolize, it should be going out on the town with their nipples in plain view given they give me enough time to acquire an electron microscope so I can see actual nipples and not just arctic-sized areolas.  Alright then, stay classy.

NOTE: The pics may be NSFW depending on your boss’ stance on see-through shirts covering slightly visible boobage.  If you are the boss and this is considered good office etiquette in your book, are you hiring?

Photo: Hollywood Tuna

- Bluto -