In a case of extreme douchbaggery, Ryan “I’m a son of a bitch” Reynolds married Scarlett Johansson in America’s hat over the weekend.  People reports:

Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.
This is the first marriage for both. The couple had announced their engagement in May.

My ring would’ve been FOUR carats (oh, I forgot to mention her ring was 3 carats), Scarlett.  Huh?  Nevermind where I stole bought it from, just know that the only thing I would’ve asked of you was that you be naked all day, every day.  Ya know, so we can keep it classy.

So Ryan Reynolds decided to be the world’s biggest asshole and keep Scarlet Johansson’s awesome boobage all to himself by way of engagement.  What a dick.  People reports:

After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

“They’re both thrilled,” Johansson’s rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE.

Reynolds, 31, currently filming the aptly named The Proposal in Boston with Sandra Bullock, recently popped the question to Johansson, 23. The couple have not set a wedding date.

The Nanny Diaries star is expected to show off her sparkler at Monday night’s Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala in New York. Sources say Johansson is eager to “show off her rock” with her Dolce & Gabbana gown.

What the shit is that?  I could swear that marrying Scarlet Johansson was ruled an act of terrorism AND a war crime akin to genocide at the last U.N. meeting.  So, ladies and gentleman, it’s official, Ryan Reynolds is a terrorist.  For whom you may ask?  Al-Qaeda?  Hamas?  Hezbollah?  Army of God?  Kach and Kahane Chai?  IRA?  Well he is not a member of any single one group, he is in fact a member of all of them.  Based on my research Mr. Reynolds is in fact the top terrorist in the world and is the leader of every single terrorist organization with an umbrella of terrorist cells beneath him.  Osama bin Laden licks Ryan Reynolds’ taint.  So I put it to you, militaries of the world, stop this enemy of the free world before it’s too late!  Scarlet Johansson’s boobs must be freed!

- Bluto -