Holy fucking walrus penis, when did Anna Paquin become such a freakishly awesome sexbomb? Someone get me an audition for this show. Emmys will come raining down. Granted, the simulated sex scenes may only take up a total of 11 seconds, but I have already devised a solution to that. Prior to the simulated sex scene Anna and I will have actual sex beforehand. That way any excitement I would have had during the filming will be expended during coitus pre-scene. Yes, I am a genius, no I will not do your math homework. My eyes are too round to be that kind of genius.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Anna being my new hero.

Click to see the ridiculously NSFW video of Anna having some sex.

I have absolutely no idea who Danneel Harris is (except for being the girl from the Harold & Kumar movie), but after taking a gander at these Maxim pics, I feel as though I should delve deeper into her career so that my penis may fully appreciate her.

If you want to explore Danneel’s career further, you can navigate yourself to the extremely NSFW video of her having some sex in the movie Ten Inch Hero at the link after the pictures.  I’d recommend it, she shags like a minx.

What the fuck?  How come nobody told me about this when she was in my state?  What do I pay you people for?!  The Sun reports:

“I’ve had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger.”

Eva said her best bonks were in Arizona and Colarado.

She added: “Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky.

“Whatever it was, it was really, really good.

“But as for Alaska – I’d really like a do-over on that state.”

Traveling to every state in the Union and having sex with Eva fucking Mendes in each state pretty much qualifies as the greatest vacation in the history of anything.  I would sacrifice the entire Chinese gymnastics team in honor of whatever travel agent could hook me up with that sex-o-rama.

Despite denials from Lauren Conrad’s ex Jason something Wahler that a sex tape of the two does not exist, the number 1 contender for “Biggest Douche in the Universe” Spencer Pratt is not backing down from his claims. Us Magazine says:

Spencer Pratt is sticking to his story that a Lauren Conrad-Jason Wahler sex tape existed.

Wahler told Usmagazine.com Wednesday morning: “I do not have a sex tape of Lauren Conrad and one does not exist. Spencer Pratt is lying again to get attention.”

But Pratt countered to Us Wednesday afternoon: “Jason’s statement couldn’t be more transparent. Notice how he uses present tense, ‘I DO not have a sex tape… one DOES not exist.’”

“We all know that it existed, that he tried to sell it and is now covering up to make himself look better,” Pratt added.

And the most important issue of our age continues to grow. Presidential Election? Please. Genocide in Darfur? Ha, yea right. Global Warming? What is this amateur hour? Whether or not that one chick from The Hills has a sex-tape runs laps around those issues. Now let’s analyze the claims from the “Vortex of Douche” Spencer Pratt and Lauren’s ex-vagina-rammer Jason something. Firstly, Spencer went on Tyra Banks’ show and said that ahahahahahahahahaha…… almost made it. Turns out that I care more about watching my dog lick itself than I do about this crap.

- Bluto -

It seems as though Amy Winehouse’s imprisoned hubby Blake something-something is none too happy about his drug queen whoring it up (“Heidi Klum naked, Heidi Klum naked, Heidi Klum naked”) and is demanding a £3 million divorce payout, which breaks down to £250,000 for every month they were married, including the months Blake has spent protecting his bunghole from pillaging, The Sun says:

SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE’s jailbird husband is demanding a £3million divorce payout as he rages over being dumped. Junkie BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL, 25, has told his lawyers he wants £250,000 for every month of their year’s marriage, despite being behind bars for part of it. And he fumed to pals after being ditched by the 24-year-old Back to Black singer: “She wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for me.”

Well isn’t that special. A marriage built on a foundation of crack has fallen apart. Who would’ve guessed? I mean, who could’ve predicted that a junkie would mount other men while in a drug haze when her significant other is calculating how many packs of cigarettes he will have to smuggle in his anus to avoid “special time” with Radiator Hose Bob? I think this is how fairy tales are made.

I was going to post a picture of present-day Amy but it turns out that having to look at a picture of that, plus having to envision a naked, cracked-out Amy Winehouse getting plowed was outlawed by the Geneva Convention. So, by law, I had to post a picture of when Amy was still fairly doable.

Photo: The Best Gossip

- Bluto -

Apparently, in between blowing up Death Stars and shaving wookies Harrison Ford crushed Carrie Fisher’s wookie, and by that I mean he pounded the hell out of her snooch. Fisher says that during the making of the first Star Wars film she and Ford had a bit of a tryst, or penis – vagina interaction if you will. The Sun says:

Now, after decades of rumours, she finally spills the beans on her relationship with ever-hunky Harrison, 63, who played Han Solo. She tells Justin Lee Collins in new C4 show Bring Back . . . Star Wars: “I went on the film saying ‘I’m going to have an affair’, like it was a kiwi, an exotic fruit — because I’d never had one!” She adds: “I had a crush on Harrison for sure. Harrison is great fun when he’s had a few drinks.” Shaking her head and saying: “I’m going to get in so much trouble,” she adds: “Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes.”

Star Wars geeks the world over are tearing down their Han Solo shrines in a jealous rage. Never has their mom’s basement seen such fury for long have they masturbated dreamed of punishing Princess Leia’s Holiest of Holies. They may not know what it is or how it works but they have been whacking off envisioning coitus with the Princess of Alderaan since 1977. And now, once again, they have to face the realization that Indiana Jones is 7,000,000 times better than them and his AARP card is still cooler than their fake ID.