I’ve really got to get me one of these photographer gigs. These dudes seem like they’re always up to their testicles in naked female celebrities. I’ve been trying to get Fergie to take her top off since before Moses didn’t part the Red Sea. Then some jackoff turns on a camera and her bra kills someone on its way out of the window. What the hell, Fergie? It’s like you don’t even know I exist anymore. I show up at your house with a bouquet of roses and a bottle of astroglide and you call the police. That is not how you show your love, Duchess.

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Models from left to right: Eniko Mihalik, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Catherine M, Abby Lee, Daisy Lowe, Gracie C, Marloes Horst, Lily Cole, Ana Beatriz Barros, Miranda Kerr, Georgina Stojilkovic

This is, without a doubt, the greatest thing I have ever seen. Long have I dreamed of a scenario where a bunch of supermodels are frolicking naked on a beach, and now it’s finally happened. I fucking love you Italy. I’m going to use your Mafia connections to buy you a golden gelato factory. As long as I get free gelato — that shit is delicious. Anywho, I can’t even begin to count how many orphaned newborns I would kill to be that photographer. Sure, all of the photographs would come out blurry because I’d be stabilizing the camera with one hand, but I’m pretty sure everyone will be fine with that after they realized how awesome my life was at that moment.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of this being the greatest thing ever. Also, see if you can spot the hypocrisy I highlighted in pic 6.

Click here to see the NSFW corresponding video. If you thought the pictures were awesome, wait until you see the moving pictures.

Well Olivia Wilde certainly lives up to being the reigning lady of Maxim’s Hot 100 list. Now if only that list was entitled “Playboy’s Hot 100 — And not that lame teasingly almost nude shit — we mean the hottest 100 chicks who are completely naked. You don’t get into the door at Playboy with clothes on. We keep it classy. I mean seriously. Do you realize how much time and effort we spend in trying to keep the Hef erect? How the hell are we supposed to do that if everyone is walking around in a goddamn parka? Dude’s older than the dust in the Queen’s vagina.” I know that title is long, but does that really matter if the 100 hottest female celebrities are naked? I didn’t think so. Now go get me a waffle.

I was going to post some pictures that were less sexy than these to provide some sort of counterpoint, but as it turns out, I would rather have my penis funneled by a decomposing hippopotamus than stick it in 2007-era Britney. Why couldn’t this have happened in 2001?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Britney Spears insanity.

Doesn’t Lily Allen seem like she’s just one big bundle of awesome? She’s already from the UK — the greatest place on earth, which someone should lend me some money to move to — and she doesn’t seem to have any qualms about nudity, which bodes well for my plan of lots and lots of sex. I should write military strategies.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Lily Allen being awesome.

According to Candice Swanepoel’s wikipedia bio, that I may or may not have paid an illegal Mexican immigrant midget to read, Candice is a delicious burrito.  Hm.  Dammit, Manuel!  What did I tell you?  English, learn it.  Fuck, where am I supposed to turn to for help if I can’t rely on illegal immigrants who can’t reach the cookie jar?  Anywho, according to Candice Swanepoel’s wikipedia bio, that I may or may not have paid an illegal Kazakh immigrant hooker to read, Candice’s vazhin bring in many tenge.  Goddammit.  She’s a Victoria’s Secret model.  Listen here, you useless pustules…

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Victoria’s Secret continuing to be the most awesome thing ever.

Sophie Howard should never were clothes.  Ever.

Click the link below to view the NSFW video of Ms. Howard making me jealous of assorted desserts.

First things first, this video is highly NSFW, unless you work at the greatest company to ever exist.  If you are not at work, or do, in fact, work at the greatest company to ever exist, then enjoy Sophie Howard’s magnificent breasts without fear.

Click the link below to view the NSFW video.

In case you were wondering if Slovakia has any gorgeous women, the short answer is — yes.  The long answer is — what the fuck are you wondering about that for?  Lucia Dvosrka is prancing about in skimpy bikinies.  Now, stop being gay, and start making God cry.

This is just mean.  Horny nerds worldwide have been working their hands overtime imagining situations just like this.  Olivia takes us to the edge of the cliff, only to pull us back up, which would be appreciated if they weren’t luscious boobies at the bottom of this gorge.